Angry Ward Wednesday: Breaking Bad Chad Curtis, Choking in Atlanta, Univer$ity of (your name here)

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Chad Curtis in Mets orange!

New York, NY – While everyone and their granny is all abuzz about the always-scintillating NBA preseason and how there could be up to three teams that can possibly win it all, there are indeed other things going on in the world of sports. For starters, there’s all kinds of baseball and football to discuss, as well as some interesting developments in the world of sports business. Let’s get started.

Hanging Chad. I was a little disappointed that none of the Yankees fans that loiter around this site failed to bring up the latest development in the life of two-time Bomber World Champ and God-fearing Christian, Chad Curtis. Seems that last Thursday Chadboy was sentenced to seven to 15 years prison in Michigan (have they converted the Silverdome into a maximum security lockup yet?) for inappropriately touching three teenage girls while working as a high school weight trainer. That’s right, the guy who couldn’t keep his feet planted on the ground every time he made a throw home, now can’t seem to keep his hands from straying where they’re not supposed to be. This from a man who never made a secret about what a Bible-thumper he was. The lesson remains, never trust those that come off “holier than thou.” Playing it classy to the end, Curtis went down swinging in court calling himself a Christian servant while saying that the three girls lied.

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Gay cruise host?

Choke City. Speaking of Christian servants, and with apologies to my MTM colleague Preacher Collins, it was yet another banner night for Atlanta sports this past Monday. In football, the Atlanta Falcons, a team that has finished 13-3 in two of the last three seasons and been virtually unbeatable at home, lost to the friggin’ New York JetsAT HOME–dropping their record to a not-quite-Giants-putrid-but-putrid-nonetheless 1-4 and handily eliminating me from the weekly suicide pool in which I participate. What was I thinking? How were the Falcons to compete against the Geno-led Jets Juggernaut? They had no business giving a team featuring Bilal Powell, Jeremy Curley, and Jeff Cumberland 10 points! They should have been getting points… on how to play football, for starters. Speaking of starters – a moment of silence for Mark Sanchez.

Anyway…  not to be outdone, on the same night the Atlanta Braves completed yet another successful one-and-done NL Divisional Playoff campaign. Kenny PowersMany teams have attempted to replicate Atlanta’s annual regular-season bully transformation to 98 lb. playoff weakling, but all have failed. Even scientists are stumped by what they are now calling Reverse Hulk Syndome. Can you imagine if Atlanta played somewhere like Philadelphia? They would have to build a new stadium every year because fans would keep burning it to the ground. Of course if the Braves played in Philly there would also be a downtown statue celebrating John Rocker (pictured above right) and not a Hank Aaron monument in sight. In any case, here’s an Atlanta sports spoiler alert for the foreseeable future: They’re gonna lose.

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Angry Dental Ward: Horthodontist

ADHD.  Win or lose, college sports programs are gonna get paid one way or another. The ADHD in this instance stands for Athletic Director Huge Dollars. Apparently, colleges around the country have found yet another way to squeeze more money out of their sports programs. In the most recent case, Northwestern University has sold the naming rights to its Athletic Director position. This is not some sort of Onion Sports joke. Northwestern AD Jim Phillips will now hold the distinguished title, “Chris and Courtney Combe Vice President for Athletics and Recreation.” Ya gotta be proud. This in the wake of a $16-million contribution made by, you guessed it, Chris and Courtney Combe. But Northwestern isn’t the only university fracking for dollars. Stanford, Vandy, and BC football have all grabbed cash in exchange for titles and more are on the way. In fact, come back next week for the Dr. Leonard Mermelstein Angry Ward Wednesday and Dental Hygiene Update.

And tune in tomorrow for the newly sponsored Mrs. Matt’s Cam Jamesboree!

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About Angry Ward 661 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.