NEW YORK, NY – So the U.S. Government is closed for business, and what a bunch of stupid f***ing shiftless a-holes they are. How does this affect sports? For starters, in college football Navy and Air Force may be forced to cancel their game this weekend. Army and Boston College may do likewise. Which means that our seas, skies, A-team camouflage pants, and freckle-faced Irish confessionals are all up for grabs. The horror. But why stop there? Let’s let our elected “leaders” continue to show us the way and give everyone else a holiday. Here goes…
The Big Red Machine. Much like the supercomputer WOPR in the motion picture War Games, someone needs to pull the plug on the Cincinnati Reds. Sure they haven’t won anything lately, but who cares? For the love of Don Gullett, the Reds need to lose to the Pirates tonight. The Steelers absolutely stink, and Pittsburgh hasn’t had any baseball to cheer about over two decades. In short, Western, PA needs an Ed Ott-sized life preserver. Choke, Cincy.
NHL Season Openers. Sorry, there’s no way we can let the Washington Capitals go on and play the defending champs, Chicago Blackhawks. Sounds way too American for this political climate. Besides, we’re not sure that Obamacare can cover all the potential injuries. Those Canadian Hosers the Leafs, Habs, Jets, and Oilers can bash each others’ brains in for all we care, eh?
New York Yankees. Not to worry, the Bronx Bombers went in to Operation Shut-Down a few days in advance of the more highly-publicized, No Bridge on the Rivera Why? It’s over, people. Without Mariano, without a remotely-healthy Sabathia, without a two-legged Jeter, the Yankees are out of business (not Mets “out of business” mind you) for the foreseeable future. It won’t be long before you can catch their non-YES games on News Channel 12 the Bronx.
Geno Smith. He isn’t now, never was, or ever will be a good NFL quarterback. It’s time for Mr. Smith to go to Washington.
How I Met Your Mother. Never mind how I met your Mother. OK??? It’s between me and your mother. Seriously though, this show is winding down and I never really paid it much attention. The other night my wife was watching it and opined: “this isn’t that funny” (she laughed out loud several times after) and “did you know one of these guys is a Vikings’ fan?” Both statements seemed to go hand-in-hand. Being a Viking’ fan is never funny. There’s simply no room on TV for this sort of thing. Bad enough I should have to watch the Vikes on TV and have people laugh at me. The sooner both come to an end, the better.
The Oakland A’s. For the love of JG Clancy, I want to root for these guys to finally make it out of the first round of the playoffs. But how I am I supposed to pull for a team whose first-game starter is Bartolo Colon? Before I say something I’m gonna regret, I am pulling the plug on this column.
Come back tomorrow for Lori Levine…