Angry Ward Wednesday: Early Black Friday Sports Deals

Junoir_Blaber-Angry_Ward-Black FridayNEW YORK, NY – A week from tomorrow, at long last it will be Thanksgiving, that magical time of year when families come together to eat and drink more than human bodies were designed to and try like hell not to strangle one another. This is followed immediately by an even more magical night, Black Friday, when the very same over-served hordes park themselves outside the doors of major retail outlets and attempt to trample as many hapless and helpless minimum-wage employees as possible en route to a date with a flat-screen anything. It’s pretty much the closest thing we have to The Running of the Bulls. The good news is, this year wild-eyed, ravenous consumers don’t have to wait for the clock to strike midnight on the 29th to get their grubby mitts on a deal. Many stores are already offering deep discounts in hopes of screwing their competitors and filling their cash registers with as much pre-holiday cash as possible. It’s the American way. Not wanting to be left out, the sports world is also trotting out some stupendous¬†Black Friday Sports Deals for educated consumers. Here’s just a sampling.

Cam Newtown Superman Doll ($9.99). What kid doesn’t want an NFL action figure that rips open it’s shirt like Superman after every five-yard gain? Batteries and humility not included.

NY Mets 2014 Opening Day Tickets ($2.50 or best offer). Give that special Mets fan in your life the gift that keeps on giving… an ulcer. Hope springs eternal in December, especially with visions of 36-year-old Rafael Furcal (actual age, 43) dancing in Sandy Alderson’s head. Call the New York Mets ticket offices now! Our operator is standing by.

Trent Richardson Sex Tape (Free w/any purchase of, or trade for, Trent Richardson). Apparently TMZ says someone is shopping this independently, but who’s going to buy a tape of a disappointing running back scoring against a questionable defense without also acquiring said disappointing running back. Hey, it’s already a better deal than the Colts made when they traded for Trent Richardson.

MLB: New York Yankees at Oakland AthleticsRobinson Cano ($310 million, $300 million, 250 million?, $185 million?, Anyone?) Word is that Jay Z will be holding a silent auction for Cano this weekend at all-star second basement prices.

Despicable Me 2 ($1.99 on Amazon).¬†Be the first, and possibly only, person to own the highlight reel of Alex Rodriguez’s career after his first steroid admission. Bonus hilarious blooper reel of A-Rod minions dry-humping a helpless Bud Selig outside Major League Baseball HQ.

My Little Pony Karma Shield Euthanization is Magic Play Set (Free w/unclaimed Karma Shield win ticket). I… I’m sorry… I couldn’t help myself. I blame my kid for watching my little pony.

Cablevision Optimum Triple Play. The Knicks lose, the Rangers lose, and the Knicks lose again, all for only $185.75 a month.

Matts Dominoes ($5.00 a box). The perfect gift for the unemployed bodega vagrant on your Christmas list. This hand-crafted domino tile set is made from the finest Malaysian plastics and features Tall and Short Matt bald heads in place of dots.

There are plenty of other great sports deals out there. Check your local circulars.

Come back tomorrow for Cam James, who is really no bargain.

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About Angry Ward 752 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.