Exclusive! Sandy in Sochi for Olympics! And No Gays in Here!

What if Baseball was an Olympic Sport?
Short Matt at the Trop
Short Matt at the Trop

While Short Matt was inexplicably splitting 8s against Picture Cards all weekend in Las Vegas, I had the opportunity to travel to a more frigid clime, the city of Sochi, the Russian city which will host the Winter Olympics in February.  While there, I couldn’t have had better fortune when I ran into two of the more polarizing figures on Earth these days, and they both agreed to sit down with MtM for a serious Q &A.  Real Sandy Alderson and Sochi Mayor Anatoly Pakhomov were both kind enough to share some thoughts with me.  I hope you enjoy the exchange as much as I did.

I'm sending Josh Lewin to Sochi
I’m sending Josh Lewin to Sochi

FSA: Thanks to both of you gentlemen for sitting down with me.

RSA: Go screw yourself, Fake Sandy. This is bullspit Sports Fans! You been ripping me a new one since I got to this godforsaken Flushing! You think you can do my job? Bring it on, big boy! I was a freakin’ Marine! Semper Fi Bruh!  I’m smarter than everybody!!  You think I watch this wretched team of mine? No way! I invented baseball.

FSA: Easy Sandy. You haven’t done anything since you’ve been here! Plus, you’ve never played the game on any level. You’re a lawyer by trade, you don’t follow the game, and you’re detested by everyone associated with the game-other than that crook Bud Selig… and you’ve said you’re a Somellier?

RSA: F*^&*K you! I have no money to spend. Fred walks around checking gumball machines and payphones for loose dimes that may have been left. Payphones, FSA! Payphones!  No one uses ’em anymore. Look at my clamshell flip phone, FSA. This is bleeding edge right here. Speaking of bleeding edge, excuse me a second. I have to change my Depends.

Hey Sandy! We found another dime! Tell Dice-K we're back on!
Hey Sandy! We found another dime! Tell Dice-K we’re back on!

Mayor Pakhomov: What he means Depends! Depends on what? I have no gay people in my Sochi.  Sochi is gay free I assure you this much.

FSA: Mr. Mayor, how could you possibly know that? What if there are gay people in your city?

MP: Nyet! I slit your throat you dirty thievin’ jew! Maybe you a gay!

The Spirit of Tolerance at the Olympic Games!
The Spirit of Tolerance at the Olympic Games!

RSA:  What the hell is going on here! I walk out to change my adult diaper and all hell breaks loose?

FSA: Sandy, while other GMs have been actively working to improve their teams, you’ve been working from home in Palm Springs.  How’s the new hip by the way?

RSA: The Hip is great, sports fans. Nothing to see here.

FSA: What model HoverRound you riding these days? The 1 Volt?

RSA: Screw You! I got chunks of guys like you in my stool every morning Sports fans! It’s a 2 volt and you know it!

FSA: I’ve heard that when your grandsons JP and DePo try to get in touch, you’re often napping during the day?

RSA: I get my 3 squares, my 8 hours every day. I was a Marine!

FSA: You’re a big fan of Angela Lansbury I’ve heard.

RSA: She’s divine! Yes, I do enjoy taping my Murder She Wrote mini-marathons and watching with Saul, yes. She’s so darned clever!

Sandy, Angela Landsbury and Nancy Reagan
Sandy, Angela Landsbury and Nancy Reagan

FSA: Sandy, you’re old as dirt. Why don’t you just retire. The flip phone, the Murder She Wrote marathons, Dinner at 3Gs in Delray at 3:45 every day and your CompuServe account. Face it. You’re a dinosaur.

RSA: If these guys would just stop swinging the damn bats all the time. What the hell is so hard about Walking?

MP: Is he a gay?

FSA: You guys are just awful. Thanks for nothing.

What if Baseball was an Olympic Sport?
What if Baseball was an Olympic Sport?

And speaking of just awful, it has become apparent that just because someone has a forum to write, report, comment, etc doesn’t mean they have brains.  Today’s idiot of the day is Jayson Stark of ESPN, who tweeted…

Jayson Stark

“Learned today on Twitter there aren’t a lot of Bud Selig fans. But if you have an open mind, read this & re-think”

He learned TODAY? Maybe if Stark and other national baseball writers like Peter Gammons and Ken Rosenthal hadn’t buried their heads in the sand for the last 5 years and paid attention to the Mob Hit on the Mets franchise by Selig, Wilpon, and Katz they wouldn’t be surprised in 2014 to learn how despised and mistrusted Bud Selig is and always will be-especially here in New York.



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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of Metsblog.com blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake