UPPER EAST SIDE, NY – It started with cowboy boots and hat, and golf clubs and lessons from the Astros in Houston the other night; the Derek Jeter Farewell Tour is in full swing. What exactly do you buy a Gazillionaire Basbeball Legend, who probably has everything he needs… and then some? Here are my ideas for each city, in order, as the Yankees shortstop breezes in to these respective MLB cities:
Toronto: From what I’ve heard, the prostitutes on Catherine Street are top-notch so maybe a one year pass to Connie’s Concubines and Rosetta Stone French, so Jetes is able to converse with the French whores.
Tampa Bay: Yeah, they still have a team even though nobody goes to the games. In that vein, something DJ will never use is in order. A lifetime pass to Busch Gardens and front row center seats for The Steve Miller Band when he performs ought to do it.
Boston Do they really have to fake being cordial to this guy? An assortment of Boston “pops”: tickets to the Boston Symphony Orchestra, 2 hundred cases of Sam Adams, and Big Papi’s sweaty jock strap.
Los Angeles: Angels An audience with MtM version of The Dude, West Coast Craig and the complete audio library of west coast rap.
Milwaukee: A case of every beer brewed that makes Milwaukee famous and former Brewers manager Harvey Kuenn’s termite-infested prosthetic leg mounted on the same type of wood.
New York Mets: A two-year $25M contract to play shortstop for the Mets in 2015 and 2016 when he turns 41 years old. Rueben Tejada and Omar Quintanilla, sheesh!
Chicago Cubs: If Phil Rizzuto can receive a cow, why not give El Capitan a billy goat mimicking the Cubs curse since the 1940’s? The hex goes with the Yankees once Jeter takes ownership of the nag.
Chicago White Sox: If Jeter wears those gifted cowboy boots, he’s going to need plenty of white socks. Tube socks for him and pale hose for whomever Jeter is boppin’ at the time.
St. Louis: Give him nothing. How often do these two teams meet? Give him nothing.
Kansas City: What true royalty deserves is one of those Burger King crowns and George Brett’s hemorrhoid cream because when you retire and sit on your ass those things get huge.
Seattle: Marijuaners… I mean Mariners. A brick of Seattle Skunk, bat pipes, bongs, and hookahs.
Oakland: The American League version of John’s Bargain Store gifts Derek with all things plastic and pinstripe from the Bay area dollar stores.
Minnesota: A Target gift card and fishing poles to cast in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.
Cleveland: Mosquito repellent and Browns season tickets. Meh.
Baltimore: For tormenting the team constantly, all you can eat at Boog’s BBQ and time with Mrs. Cal Ripken. Beat the streak, baby.
Texas: A shotgun, a pick up truck, and a year’s supply of Skoal.
Detroit: A 24-hour bodyguard if he’s ever in Detroit again.
Come back tomorrow for the Gift that keeps Giving, DJ Eberle.
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