Angry Ward Wednesday: Ike, Granderson, Streaks, Psychos, Shovels and Huge Upsets!

Curtis Granderson homers vs YankeesBronx, NY – People have been so preoccupied with the NHL and NBA playoffs, the NFL Draft, and #BringBackOurGirls, that certain stories have gotten lost in the shuffle. But fear not, I am here to bring them back to the top of the deck. Let’s get started.

Canadian Subway Pycho. Let’s just go ahead and get the fun stuff out of the way first. For those of you that missed it, some b!tch went plumb loco on a subway in Edmonton and started beating on a Pringles-loving passenger sitting next to her. Aside from the very real possibility that she was hepped-up on goofballs, another possible explanation for the unprovoked attack was that the Edmonton Oilers are one of the worst teams in hockey or that she thought the guy sitting next to her was Glen Sather.

Ike vs. Grandy. The other day I must have been bored out of my skull because I started wondering how Ike Davis was doing since leaving the Mets. I have just enough disposable time on my hands to look such things up. The answer is, he’s not doing as horrible as you might think. In fact, you could easily make the argument that he’s doing a whole lot better than one Curtis Granderson. As of this writing, Ike is hitting .265 with two home runs and 12 rbis. The Grandyman, meanwhile is stinking out the joint with a .185 average, 3 home runs and 14 rbis. If you think those stats are too close to call one better than the other then take into account that Ike has struck out 18 times and Granderson (aka The CitiField Air Conditioner) has fanned 38 times. His walk up song should be “The Summer Wind.”

Bar Cars Go Belly Up. Last Friday, Metro North (that’s a commuter rail system in the Northeast) took the last of its bar cars out of service. For those of you who have never had the pleasure, the bar car is is just what it sounds like: a railroad car with a bar that serves booze and snacks to commuters. Its sad to see the bar cars go, as drinking on the train is one of the great pleasures in life. Passengers will still be allowed to bring adult beverages on the train, but it won’t be quite the same. There’s just something so cool about a bar in a train; it’s ridiculous and civilized all at the same time. Ask anyone who has ever taken a bullet train through Europe, there’s nothing quite like having a wine or beer while watching the Italian or French countryside whizzing by. Maybe the Metro North scenery couldn’t compete, but even faced with a gray day and the sight of an ugly office park, the bar cars proved a nice distraction.

Mike NapoliOh Yes, They Call Him the Streak. Speaking of distractions, this year I am once again playing the MLB-approved, Dunkin Donuts-sponsored online game known as Beat the Streak. The object is simple enough: you start one or two hitters from any major league baseball team on any given night and you need those players to get at least one hit. If you manage to get 57 consecutive hits (which would beat Joe DiMaggio’s unassailable hitting streak) you win $5 million. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Well, it isn’t. In 14 years no one has done it. I am currently at 20 and my five-year-old has taken to helping me. One night before she went to bed she told me not to start Dee Gordon of the Dodgers, who she had picked. She said “let’s just take the night off.” Turns out Gordon went 0 for 4. A couple of days after that she saw the strange-bearded photo of Boston’s Mike Napoli and said, “Let’s take him, because even people that look weird sometimes do good things.” Excellent point, by the way. She ended up changing her mind and we instead got a hit with Evan Longoria. Anyway, my streak may end by the time this gets published but I’ll keep trying and you should too. That way, if you win, you can remember that I suggested this and perhaps throw a few bucks my way.

Shovel Fight. OK, let’s finish this thing with a bang, shall we? I’m not even going to bother introducing this, but it was posted on Deadspin last week and I’m sure most of you have seen it by now. In any event, this video is even more proof that people get so bored they’ll do just about anything to break up the monotony. “Hey, ya know what? This town we live in sucks. Let’s have a fight or something.” It also proves that shovel throwing should be introduced as an Olympic sport or, at the very least, a sport at the Hillbilly Olympics. We’ve got a potential gold medalist on our hands. U-S-A! U-S-A!

OK, that’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for whatever bullcrap we’re shoveling from Big Al Sternberg and/or Meet The Matts Radio.
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About Angry Ward 752 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.