WAUKESHA, WI – Pouring over the sports pages for a solid 4-5 seconds, we came across a story that nearly knocked us off the toilet. After a solid three to four seconds of contemplation, introspection and straining, a burning question – and jalapeno – forced its way out of us: Is JJ Watt a Bad Teammate? After some probing and 3-5 seconds of exhaustive research, we were able formulate our answer, based on the facts we were sitting on.
BIRTHDAY: If you’re just turning 27, rich, the hard-earned face of the NFL and a teammate of ours, the off-season better be party time. Especially for your 27th birthday. HUGE PARTY. Beach. Babes. Bikinis. Booze. Bands. Right? Wrong. Seems like this Watt guy, who was the NFL’s Defensive Player of the Year last season despite a laundry list of serious injuries, including a herniated disc, groin tears that required off-season surgery AND a broken hand that was in a cast for a good number of games, doesn’t get it. Know what his version of off-season fun and a Birthday Bash are? Going to his Wisconsin cabin to work out. And he’s invited his teammates!
TRAINING: Now, we’re not sure about the rest of you, but that’s a call we’re letting go to voicemail. Did we mention that despite all those injuries, Justin James Watt played more than 96 percent of the Texans’ defensive snaps and is hell-bent on being 100% for this season… via his Waukesha training sessions??? But we’d have the easy out, right? Wrong again.
Meet The Matts: “Hey Edison (what we’d call Watt, as per the whole light-bulb thing), we’d love to fly up there in March from South Padre Island and workout with you but we can’t afford it and really don’t think that just us is worth it.”
WATT: “No worries, I’m paying. And I’m flying 20 guys on the defense up here with you!”
Meet The Matts: “Yeah, but we’re in South Padre Island and it would take like four different stops to get there, so it’s probably not worth it.”
WATT: “Now that’s funny! You guys are a riot! But South Padre Island is soooo college. I’m having my private jet get you here. It’s painless. See you in two days. Get ready to chop some wood!”
Meet The Matts: “Yeah. Wisconsin in March to workout. That’s… great. Sounds like a lot of… fun. Chop-chop. See you Saturday.”
EXPECTATIONS: What really ticks us off about this d-bag is that he expects the best out of the rest of us. All the time. That is just not acceptable. We’re mediocre. Hell, we only demand the best of us out of us thrice yearly – tops! And those are singular moments on isolated days and usually mean the difference of dying from starvation or living. We don’t need some Goody Two-Cleats forcing us to be better. Nor do we want him making it as easy as possible for us, while eliminating any excuses. We live for excuses.
Clearly, this guy doesn’t understand that. Could you imagine him on a team like the Knicks? Ha! Good Lord, Carmelo would be spinning like a top. Gads!
And with that – on the shoulders of Carmelo Anthony – we rest our case. Make no mistake, Ladies & Germs… JJ Watt is a bad teammate.