ANYWHERE BUT MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Man, I should have found a reason to boycott this NFL season. Jacksonville had Michael Myers on his back, but instead of driving the knife into his chest, they ran away and let him get up to kill again. But Mike’s killing spree was nothing compared to the Bloodbath in Philly. The Worst-Case Super Bowl is upon us and if you’re like me, you’re looking for something else to do on the Big Day. Here are a few things to consider:
Better than Watching the Game
- Get Mayor de Blasio to light up the Empire State Building with Tom Brady’s face after New England’s inevitable victory. What kind of mayor lights up the city’s signature building in the colors of its teams’ top rivals? Free pre-K is cool and all Bill, but what the hell were you thinking? Send them some bagels or something.
- Convince John Mara and Steve Tische to reconsider their head coach. I mean it was only one game, but Matt Patricia sure looked more capable than Pat Shurmur. I know he picked Detroit, but can’t we do something? He can’t sign until after the Super Bowl. The guy with a degree in aeronautical engineering who looks like he lives under a bridge sure can make halftime adjustments. Anyone on the Minnesota side involved in that debacle should be relegated to coaching Pop Warner.
- Become a Park Ranger. Before you’re even done training, the government will shut down again and you can collect unemployment. Or wait, does the government pay that? Anyway, parks are getting a lot smaller so there won’t be as much to patrol.
- Write a fantasy novel. This was inspired by Short Matt’s tale of David Wright having a good year in 2018. It was extremely far fetched, but everyone loves a good comeback story.
- Jump on the Gronk concussion jokes bandwagon. Boston head specialists were confounded when Gronk’s concussion symptoms lasted for 48 hours. Then someone told them he’s always like that. They’re all funny.
- Lament the fact that Barry Sanders got fat. That commercial was almost as shocking at the Vikings game. For some reason I expected him to stay fit forever.
- Talk Angry Ward off the ledge. If you wan’t to know what it felt like to be a Vikings fan the last two weeks, imagine Free Willy escaping from captivity and experiencing the ecstasy of the open seas for a little while, only to be cut in half by a drunk teenager with his Daddy’s speedboat.
That’s the list. Come back tomorrow for the purple tears of Really Really Angry Ward. Sorry buddy. You can follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.