STAMFORD, CT – As superfan Laila kissed the Cup during the Blues’ championship celebration, a tear rolled down my face. This was the first tear I’ve shed since I was six, when my dog Dozer was hit by a car. It was a heartwarming moment. (Laila, not Dozer.) As we move past eventful NBA and NHL postseasons with first time champions, baseball is all we have left to get us through to football season. It is sure to be a let down. Let’s count the ways hockey is better than baseball.
Baseball: Players go on the DL for things like blisters and “tired arms.”
Hockey: Players with multiple jaw fractures only miss one period.
The Yankees and Mets are very competitive in one category this season – Player with the Wimpiest Feet. Is it Yoenis Cespedes or Greg Bird?
It’s lucky these guys weren’t on the upper floors of the Nakatomi Plaza on that fateful Christmas Eve in 1988 or Hanz Gruber and friends would have gotten away with the bearer bonds. Cespedes and Bird would never have walked across glass with bare feet.
Meanwhile, it was revealed that players on both teams in the NHL finals were playing through injuries that would make David Wright say “damn.” Headlining that list was Zdeno Chara, the 42-year old who played three games with multiple fractures in his jaw, which needed to be held together with wires and plates. This man would rip off Cespedes’ feet and eat them between periods. They would have to be in a smoothie for now, though.
Baseball: Players put on necklaces and other jewelry before the game.
Hockey: Players take out fake teeth before the game.
Baseball: In the course of a seven hour game, the ball is rarely in play.
Hockey: Nearly non-stop action.
With strikeouts piling up at an unprecedented rate, there are often complete innings without the ball being put in play even once. Exciting!
If Die Hard took place outside with Sergeant Al Powell, that would be baseball. Sure, occasionally something fun happens, but most of the time there’s a lot of standing around.
Baseball: Players get suspended for fighting.
Hockey: Players get a short 5 minute rest in the penalty box for fighting.
Baseball: The winners get the Commissioner’s Trophy!
Hockey: The winners hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup, the world’s greatest trophy.
It doesn’t get worse than the Commissioner’s Trophy. Could you even pick it out of a trophy lineup? Why can’t they name it after someone to make it more exciting? How about the Yogi Berra Trophy? The man was beloved, hilarious, and had eight championships. Hell, name it The Harry Ellis Memorial Trophy, even that would be an improvement.
Baseball: Substitute runners for the unathletic slow guys are permitted.
Hockey: Substitutions happen during play.
This would be like subbing in Denzel Washington for the bad guy Karl in the last scene where he re-emerges and almost kills everyone before Sergeant Powell mows him down. Alexander Godunov, the actor who played Karl, did the work and was doing fine. He should finish the job.
Baseball: You are allowed a load visits to the mound and an unbearable amount of pitching changes.
Hockey: You are allowed only one timeout, which you can’t take after an icing, forcing tired players to stay on the ice.
What kind of sport is it where there is constant conferences to instruct the players? Well, besides football. The beauty of sports is thinking on your feet and adapting to the situation, like John McLane. Does the manager decide which way they should wipe their a$$es, too?
Baseball: When celebrating, players wear googles so not to get champagne in their eyes.
Hockey: Players don’t care about getting booze in their eyes.
The verdict is clear, the NHL is far superior. The Bears Packers match-up on September 5 is a looooong way away. Baseball, it’s time to up your game.
That’s it for me. Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, who cries at every sports championship due to the colossal waste of alcohol. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.