HOUSTON, TX – There was plenty to hate about the Houston Astros’ pathetic parade of apologies last Thursday. And no players will be disciplined and they came up empty (supposedly) on 2019 and 2018. This reeks of the little slap on the wrist Belichick and the Pats got when they were caught recording the Rams walk through before the Super Bowl. The NFL found more video in the box under Short Matt’s bed. They could have made an example out of the Pats and stopped Hitler before he could even get started. But they decided to be Neville Chamblerlain and play appeasement. Welp. we know how that goes. I’m here to dole out some harsh but fair punishment. And if MLB has any sense, they will take heed.
Justin Verlander: He wasn’t involved in the scandal, but this guy was publicly critical of electronic sign stealing during the 2017 season. Come on, guy. Not to mention, he was all up on his soapbox about MLB players and domestic violence, but shut his trap when they signed Osuna. To say nothing of a team that traded for a guy who was on a 75-game domestic violence suspension. This guy needs to shut his pie hole.
Sentence: Kate Upton must get a breast reduction.
Gerrit Cole: Sadly, he played dumb. “I heard some banging and whistling but I thought it was Osuna and some groupies.”
Sentence: His contract is reduced by 3 zeroes.
Rob Manfred: This is the dummy who gave the players immunity. Word is he was too scared to challenge the players with a new bargaining agreement coming up. What a puss bag. He couldn’t have gotten to the bottom of this without giving them immunity? All he needed was a few disgruntled ex-players. Jake Marisnick and Tony Kemp are ex-Astros who reportedly refused to use the system. Brian McCann didn’t like the whole thing and was ready to sing. Or just pit guys against each other, give them the ‘ol “Oh really? That’s not what Beltran said.” Anyone who has ever watching a cop show could have sorted this out in a week.
Sentence: Fired. But must watch every Astros game for the next ten years with a garbage can over his head. Every time either pitcher throws a change up, Harper Julius Bjornsen, aka The Mountain from Game of Thrones, smashes the can with a baseball bat.
Carlos Correa: He actually seemed the most forthcoming during the first round of interviews and even admitted that they tried to do it during the playoffs but it was too loud. But then he got all pissy when other players criticized their crappy, milquetoast apologies and said basically they should shut up because they don’t have all the facts. Come on assface. They know enough.
Sentence: Forced to play the rest of his career for the Mets. And fans will be given paint ball guns and allowed to shoot at him and only him while he rounds the bases.
Jose Altuve: I don’t know which crap story about why he wouldn’t take off his shirt is worse, the wife thing or the bad tattoo. What the hell was the tattoo, a swastika? His reaction is just too weird. I’m still pretty convinced there was a wire under that shirt.
Sentence: No baseball announcer is allowed to mention Jose Altuve’s name without adding “who hit the tainted walk-off in the 2019 ALCS.” And when Aaron Judge finds himself at second base, instead of doing the big guy little guy photo, Judge is allowed to punch Altuve in the face. The Astros can’t take him out of the game until at least the next inning.
Jim Crane: Mr. I Don’t See Why I Should be Held Accountable.” Me either. It’s 2020. Deny and blame someone else. Trumpland. This guy is the worst. “It didn’t affect the games.” Three seconds later “I didn’t say it didn’t affect the games?”
Sentence: Tear down their 2017 World Series title banner. Wrap him in it, put him on a boat and launch it into the Buffalo Bayou. Have the owners of all three teams the Astros beat in the 2017 playoffs fire flaming arrows. No punishment is too harsh for this clown. Let him burn.
I’m pissed. It’s pretty hard to be sure if we’re watching a fair fight in any sport these days. I’ll hold out hope that hockey isn’t tainted yet.
Come back tomorrow for a man who was tainted long ago, Angry Ward.