Quarantine Log – Week 72, Day 4,209. My yard has never looked so good. I’ve listened to a year’s worth of saved podcasts and binge watched everything recommended by anyone I’ve ever met. I’ve heard Into the Unknown from Frozen 2 enough to make me want to jam ice picks in my ears. I’ve crunched enough #Covid19 numbers to consider epidemiology a hobby. I’ve eaten enough frozen pizzas and polished off enough Maker’s Mark to worry John Kruk. I’m no longer sure I can make in on the outside, I’m an institutional man now. If I hear one more news anchor use either one of the phrases “a new normal” or “return to normalcy” I’m going to burn some sh!t down. Well, I’m looking for a “Return to Normalcy” in New York Sports.
GIANTS
The road to recovery begins when Dave Gettleman reaches with the fourth pick and takes someone projected to go much lower. When asked why he didn’t trade down if he liked that player so much, he’ll acts like the person who asked the question is an idiot. He’ll then burn all his draft capital to trade back into the first round to take a bust WR. Giants’ fans will hate his entire draft, but the road to recovery will have begun.
He’ll be fired during season mumbling “Hog Mollies” and “Full Blown Love” while he’s dragged out of his office. But he’ll manage to sign Leonard Williams to a ludicrous long-term deal just before getting the axe.
METS
I’ll start feeling better when the Mets go on an early season 3-game winning streak vs the Marlins and Short Matt has his annual premature wordgasm.
Yoenis Cespedes will then throw a javelin through Jake Degrom’s calf in a bizarre fishing accident, and the Amazin’s will lose 46 of their next 49. SM will then return to his customary vitriolic rants and threatening the Wilpons like they’re Carole F’n Baskin. The rest of us will yawn and feel comforted.
KNICKS
James Dolan reveals he never had Covid, he just wanted someone to like him. Protests will erupt, briefly, calling for him to sell the team. But people stop caring quickly and MSG sells out for the rest of the abbreviated season, with Spike Lee in attendance.
RANGERS
The season resumes with just enough games added to the schedule so the Rangers miss the playoffs by one point. Hank Lundqvist doesn’t play, but his hair looks unbelievable.
The NFC East
The Bills open the season with plenty of optimism and start well. It all starts to fall apart when Stefon Diggs has a sideline eruption at Josh Allen for running instead of throwing him the ball.
The Jets only win three games after Sam Darnold contracts Hepatitis Q-14.
The Patriots, led by Brian Hoyer’s 57 TD passes, win the division again.
YANKEES
The Yanks blow through the season with 120 wins and coast through the playoffs to win number 28. Ah, normalcy.
That’s all for me. Hang in there y’all. Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward’s think piece about a mid-level QB struggling with his own limitations. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.
