NEW YORK, NY – In case you’ve been in a cave or coma, the New York Mets Baseball Club has been sold. Fred Wilpon, his son Jeff Wilpon & Co have sold the oft-lousy Amazins to billionaire hedgefund big shot, Steve Cohen. Cohen happens to be a Mets fan. So am I. So are many of you reading. With that, here’s Another Open Letter To Steve Cohen, on behalf of a frustrated, strife-ridden, punch-drunk and exasperated Mets fan-base. Here goes:
Stevo,
We hope this finds you and yours healthy and free from anything Corona, ironically.
At long last, after years of anguish, angst and even anger, it is great to see a true blue Mets fan in charge. As one of us, you no doubt have emotional scars, doubt about in whom to believe and recurring psychotic dreams about the New York Yankees dying in a plane crash. Of course, you’d never tell anyone about these euphoric and cathartic dreams but hey… we all know they are real, right?
Anyway, not that you don’t already know all of this but here’s here’s what we need from you:
Jackie Robinson No-Tunda
Look, if there was ever a time to be politically incorrect, it’s now. Here’s your ammo, though: Jack Roosevelt Robinson never played for the New York Mets. Ever. Not a once. In fact, he played for the Brooklyn Dodgers, one of two teams that ripped the heart out of NYC in the middle of the night back in 1957. He is complicit in one of the most inexcusable crimes against sports fans ever committed. The Browns leaving Cleveland for Baltimore and then winning a Super Bowl? Nope. Les Quebec Nordiques gutting Francophile hockey fans and leaving them to bleed dans les rues, while winning a Stanley Cup in Colorado? No. How about the Colts galloping to Indy and stealing a Vince Lombardi with Peyton? No sir. None of those come close because you’d have to multiply them all by two.
Anyway…
You know, like any of us that walked into that new “Mets stadium” on it’s first day, that some twisted, cruel and unimaginable injustice had been perpetrated; the rotunda and entire stadium, in fact, were erected as a shrine HONORING the aforementioned damn Dodgers. It’s Ebbet’s Field II but making things more horrific, injury was added to insult with the outfield wall being black and orange… commemorating the New York Giants. The baseball version, not Joey Judge’s bunch. Consequently, that first day of this new ballpark was simultaneously euphoric and taunting. Moreover, it provided extra ball-breaking fodder for Yankee fans, as if they didn’t have enough already. Wrighting Righting these wrongs starts with reclaiming the rotunda for our team by renaming it the Tom Seaver Foyer. If you feel uncomfortable scrapping all things Dodgers, including the nod to Mr. Robinson, then designate a smaller area somewhere in the park. How about inside the Magic Apple? That way it remains in the park, never to be seen again.
Speaking of parks…
Shea Park
You don’t need money. That’s why you bought this perennial pile of poop. So let’s get rid of the bank’s logo and rename it what it should have been from the get-go… Shea Park. You don’t see the Yankees playing in TD Bank Stadium, do you? They giggle at the thought. We need that calamity to end. It coincides with Tom Seaver Foyer.
Wally Backman
Walter Wayne Backman needs to be brought back into the organization. His off-the-field antics aside, he’s the one guy all Mets fans want as Manager. Tell him that he has to at least read the computer geek du jour’s mumbo jumbo about how Jacob deGrom tends to induce more foul balls to right on 2-2 counts vs lefties than on 1-2 counts to righties. Just bring him back man!
Dave Kingman Fallout Zone
We all know the pain and pleasure of going through decades of comedically bad baseball. Certain things, people and players got us through it, albeit twitching somewhat. Bob Murphy warning fans that, “David Arthur “Sky King/King Kong” Kingman, nor the New York Mets, are responsible for shattered windshields in Dave Kingman Fallout Zone [the left field parking lot].” Hell, you can rub the noses of the SF Giants in that, calling it “McCovey Cove East,” adding the caveat that Kingman started with San Francisco, only to be let go.
Retire Keith’s Number
The world changed for Mets fans when Neil Allen and Rick Ownbey were traded to the St. Louis Cardinals for Keith Hernandez. Ironically, Keith couldn’t wear his number of choice, 37, because it was already retired for Casey Stengel. That trade has paid more dividends, arguably, than any other in terms of one player’s entertainment value to the franchise over time.
Fire Sandy
Granted, you needed to assuage some MLB owners over concerns re how you made your billions. Enter MLB milquetoast Sandy Alderson. Once the ink is dry, however, you need to fire him without hesitation. We don’t want failed retreads with zero personality pushing 70 years old. Have you see Justin Turner lately? We want a fresh start. Besides, the late, great Big Al Sternberg (aka @AldersonFake) deserves nothing less.
Disregard Money
We want you spend money like there’s no tomorrow because really, there are only a few tomorrows left for the generational talent that is Jake deGrom. We know you’ll go out and reel in some big fish, but we want you make chum of some others. Robinson Cano, for instance. Please eat whatever you have to and rid us of this oft-jogging, oft-hurt, rotten example for kids. There was good reason the Stanks let him go. Fer crissakes, give Jeff McNeil the everyday 2nd base job and leave JD Davis at 3rd. Get what you can for Brandon Nimmo and Dom Smith (60-game seasons a star do not make) and hook us all by landing two front-line starters, some real catching talent and an everyday super star.
Thanks in advance for all of the above… and buying the Knicks as well.
-Matt
