NORTH POLE – As you may have heard, 2020 sucked. In a fruitless attempt to cope, I’ve been watching Christmas classics. I’m wondering how these movies would end in the 2020 versions. Hey, isn’t this supposed to be a sports site? Shut up, it’s Christmas. Allow me to present, The 2020 Endings for Five Christmas Classics.
I often hear people vehemently defending the fact that Die Hard is a Christmas movie. But I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t think it’s a Christmas movie. Who are these people trying to convince?
Anyway, the 2020 ending would probably go something like this: When Karl emerges, raging and alive from the blanket, Sergeant Al Powell draws his weapon. But still traumatized from killing the kid, he fumbles and drops the gun. Karl smiles while he mows down John, Holly, and Powell before being killed by the police.
Reporter Richard Thornburg, instead of getting punched by Holly, gleefully reports the McClanes’ deaths. He claims Powell’s bumble is proof that it’s time to defund the police. Argyle screeches around the corner in his limo and is gunned down by jumpy FBI agents (hat tip to Angry Ward). Thornburg’s crew catches it on video and he wins a Pulitzer.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
When The Grinch returns with all of Whoville’s gifts, he is celebrated at first. But then Cindy Lou Who tracks down a Tweet The Grinch sent when he was 18 calling Whoville “a bunch of tone deaf, squirrel-faced drunks.” After she reads the Tweet to the stunned townspeople, they banish him back to his cave and tell him never to set foot in Whoville again.
Max, The Grinch’s cute and blameless little dog, is crushed by the angry mob chasing them out of town. The Grinch is now even more alone, his heart shrinks two more sizes, and he hates Christmas more than ever. Furiously brooding in his cave, he comes up with a plot to kill Santa next year.
It’s a Wonderful Life
Everyone wants to help George Bailey at the end of the film, but it’s 2020. In working-class Bedford Falls, most people have been deemed non-essential workers. They have lost their jobs and are broke and terrified. No one comes through for George and he’s sent to jail for stealing the $8,000.
Mr. Potter takes over the old building and loan and the name of Bedford Falls is changed to Pottersville, as predicted in Clarence’s alternate reality. The middle class is destroyed and the town is divided into haves; Potter and friends, and have nots; a growing number of poor and unemployed.
George is very popular in prison. Clarence never gets his wings and is sent to hell. “Nick’s” is the most popular bar in town, filled with Potter’s lackeys. Mary works there at night, cleaning the floors.
A Christmas Carol
When Ebeneezer Scrooge has his epiphany and tries to buy the giant turkey, the little boy on the street tells the police that a deranged lunatic is harassing people from a window. Scrooge is locked up in mental asylum after ranting about “spirits” and deceased former colleagues. His relatives gleefully sell off his assets.
Bob Cratchit finds himself without a job and forces Tiny Tim to beg for shillings on street corners. After a few years, Tiny Tim’s signature cheerfulness is gone and he resorts to beating people over the head with his cane if they pass by without putting a coin in his cup. Instead of “God bless us, everyone,” he is often heard saying “I will kill us all, everyone.”
In the original ending, when little Kevin McCalister is finally tracked down by the Wet Bandits, the old-man neighbor knocks them out with a shovel. In the 2020 version, the old man has a coughing fit and drops the shovel. The Bandits laugh as they shove him into the snow, while he helplessly hacks away.
Furious at the boy for abusing the hell out of them, the criminals sell him into slavery and he is smuggled to Asia. Bought by a sweatshop owned by the Trump family, Kevin lives out his days knitting sweaters for the Ivana Trump Collection. The McCallisters return from their trip and are horrified that Kevin is not there. But they ask the police to call off the search after only 48 hours, as the realize they have plenty of kids.
That’s it for me. 2021 is going to be so good, Angry Ward will change his pen name to Sanguine Ward. He’ll be here tomorrow, so stop by. And thanks for reading. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours.