NEW YORK, NY – While The Rona continues to wreak havoc on us socially, at least we do have a full slate of sports stuff and some serious bullshith to keep us from becoming full-blown alcoholics. Let’s get to today’s headlines: Lions Feedin’ Us Soup, Mrs Ovechkin, Cubs Cut Curse-Killer
Lions Feedin’ Us Soup
Okay, I know my fellow white folks out there are tired of hearing about others being held back and how white privilege needs to end, but Jesus H. Alou, NOT ONE of the NFL head coaching positions has been filled by a black guy. Yeah, the J-E-T-S hired a guy that doesn’t need SPF 50+ on a sun-splashed day, but he’s Arab-American. He ain’t black. Have you looked at the make-up of the NFL lately? 70% of the players are black. Not hiring a black guy to be your head coach is like hiring an Englishman to coach the Cork Rebels of Gaelic football in Ireland. If you don’t get that reference, you must get out more. Oh, and you must READ THIS, as it represents one history’s greatest blurring of facts… But back to the point. The Detroit Lions hired Dan Campbell [Soup] as their next head coach. WHO? Well, after some lengthy research, our staff discovered his title in New Orleans was “Assistant to the Head Coach and Tight Ends Coach.” That not only gets you the Detroit job, it also gets you a SIX-YEAR DEAL. Saint’s preserve us… But wait, let’s see what Coach Soup had to say at his press conference:
“We’re gonna kick you in the teeth, and when you punch us back, we’re going to smile at you. And when you knock us down, we’re gonna get up. And on the way up, we’re going to bite a kneecap off.”
How Bill Walsh of him! Hey Coach, are you a chef, cause you’re feedin’ us soup? Eric Bieniemy should sue the NFL – or somebody. Lawsuits seem to work these days.
Go to 1:35 if you don’t have time for artistic cultivation
Mrs Ovechkin
There seems to be a few ruts in the ol’ NHL ice, what with the #COVID-19 (it’s still an acronym, folks) and all. The Dallas Stars had 17 players test Positive [K] and are playing in their first game tonight. And then there are those damn Russians… again. Alex Ovechkin, Evgeny Kuznetsov, Dmitry Orlov and Ilya Samsonov, ironically all in our nation’s capitol, are quarantining and out for four games. Word ’round the rink is that is Samsonov who has the cooties (ficking goalies!) and his pals were in a hotel room reading Kafka without masks on. This prompted Mrs. Ovie to pop on social media:
“Of course, only Russian players of Washington Capitals were together in the same hotel room. Of course, all of the other NHL players, when playing away, separating themselves from their teammates. Of course, you can’t catch the virus when you and your teammates sit together on the bench, hug each other when they score a goal, or when they are all together in the lounge or locker room. Players can’t get infected when they are at the restaurants, supermarkets, malls, etc… Virus only works in a hotel room.”
She brings up a valid point and only increases this pundit’s man-crush levels for her husband after falling for him whilst he lay in that fountain after hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup.
Go to 3:36 if you don’t have time to watch his full greatness
Cubbies Cut Curse-Killer
You’d think that one million dollars wasn’t that big of a difference to let the guy that killed your 104-year Cubs Curse have one last hurrah and retire as a Cubbie. Heck, they’d make that much in swan song merchandise in five Jon Lester starts. Yet, an allegedly broken-hearted Lester is now neighbors with those protocol-bucking Ruskies in D.C., signing a deal with the Nationals. This is a guy that spent $47K buying beers for Chicago via a handful of pubs recently. Set your watches, Cubs fans, you’re in for another 104-year jink.
Drop you dope below and come back tomorrow for Puck Face, aka Different Matt, who’ll be gloating after the Rangers win tonight.
P.s… Bet on Brady this weekend. His legend will grow nauseatingly when he leads the Bucs to the Super Bowl in Tampa – making his team the only one to play in the Big Game in their house.
