Angry Ward Wednesday: The New York Yankees Need to Finish Last

Jason Giambi, Giancarlo Stanton, Yankees, Gerritt Cole, Jay Bruce, Brendan Fraser, Rudi Stein, Bad News Bears, Jacob deGrom, Ward-Calhoun, Meet-The-Matts

BRONX, NY – The New York Yankees haven’t finished in last place since 1990. There’s almost no chance they’ll finish in the AL East cellar this year but, in my opinion, they should strongly consider giving it the proverbial “old college try.” Seriously, seeing the Yanks suffer through one abysmal season might go a long way in helping heal our collective national soul… save Yankees fans, of course. But I put it to you, Ben and Buddy and Diff and the rest of your Bomber brethren: Would it be so terrible watching this particular Yankee team go down the crapper?

Aaron Boone. C’mon Yanks fans, you can’t have any real allegiance to your smirky, thin-lipped, platitude-spitting skipper. He had, what, one pretty big moment as a Yankee player? So did Bucky Dent, and his moment was bigger. Coincidentally, Bucky Dent was the last Yankees manager to be fired in the middle of a season. You guessed it, 1990. Send Aaron Boone out like he would want… savagely.

Giancarlo Stanton. Baseball history is littered with guys who never should have played for the New York Yankees. Dave Winfield, Jason Giambi, Brendan Fraser in The Scout, to name a few. Giancarlo Stanton was a hell of a lot of fun to watch when he was playing in Florida… not so much in New York. Moving from a who-the-f**k-cares retirement community to the Bronx is against God’s plan. Stanton needs to bottom out in the Boogie Down and hope that the Yankees can find some sap to take his contract like Seattle did with the Mets and Cano.

Jay Bruce. If the Yankees DO finish last this season (fingers crossed), then Jay Bruce was the canary in the coal mine. He folded up his tent and kept walking until his batting helmet was bobbing up and down in the Harlem River. Hell of an exit. I applaud him.

Gerrit Cole. For an organization that’s employed pitchers named Whitey and Catfish and Sparky, Gerrit Cole just ain’t gonna cut it. It’s not that he’s not a good pitcher—he is—but that moniker of his belongs in Texas, or Wyoming, if they had a ball club. There will be a market for him, just make sure to get some arms back with names like Slick, Knuckles, and Fats.

The Bench. Enough with the streaky home run hitters and situational-pitching glory boys already! The Yankees don’t need more Kelly Leaks, they need more Rudi Steins and Ahmad Abdul Rahims. Good God man, even when they were winning in the steroid rage years, guys like Scott Brosius and Bernie Williams were invaluable.

Front Office. The biggest problem with the Yankees is that no one is really “running them” anymore. Hank’s dead, Hal could give a rat’s ass, and Randy Levine is still waiting for Donald Trump to name him ambassador to Wonkaland. Sell the friggin’ team already!

Again, a truly crappy year could help reset this once-proud and truly-despised franchise to its former glory. You can do it Yankees!

Come back tomorrow for (maybe) some Knicks chatter from Buddy Diaz.

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About Angry Ward 586 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.