GREEN BAY, WI – I was happy to hear that Aaron Rodgers and the Packers resolved their differences and the man is back in camp. Supposedly, he’s going to play there for one more year and then he’s gone. But if I’m running the Packers, I would do everything in my power to keep the legendary signal caller around for a few more years. Here’s a few things the Packers can do to mend fences with the disgruntled star to keep him a bit longer.
Trade Jordan Love
Rodgers’ animosity toward management started with the Love pick. Not only did they take a QB in the first round when Aaron still had some prime years left, but they traded up for Love. The Packers had a “win now” roster and taking his replacement instead of drafting a player that could help win a championship was a slap in the face to the future HOFer.
The first thing they should do is send that guy Love packing. You don’t want a walking affront to the man’s dignity following him around all day and asking him questions about coverages. I hear the Ottawa Redblacks are looking for a QB. Did he play any baseball? The Brewers could use a bullpen arm. Get that guy out of here immediately and move on.
Run Every Single Decision by Him
After he reported, Rodgers complained that he didn’t have any input in personnel decisions. He thinks he has earned the right to have his opinion heard, and I can’t argue with that. I guess he felt if he was sharing the fridge with other groceries, he should be able to add a few things to the grocery list. What? Come on, that totally worked.
The Packers should make him feel heard by letting him have input with every single decision the Packers make next year.
-Hey Aaron, we’re thinking about changing the buns on the bratwurst from brioche to baguette. Your thoughts?
-Hey Aaron, we’re considering getting rid of the jumbo sized sized cheeseheads in the store. Some fans have complained about them banging into each other in the halls. What do you think?
Careful what you wish for Aaron.
Scapegoat an Analytics Guy for the Bucs FG Call
One of the most striking moments from the playoffs was the Packers kicking the FG late vs the Bucs down by a eight. Just thinking about it still annoys me.
Someone’s head has to roll to send the message that taking the ball out of Aaron’s hands was the wrong decision. But GM (checks notes) Brian Gutekunst seems untouchable and LaFleur isn’t going anywhere. So why not pin it on some random analytics guy? I know there is no actual analytics saying kicking the FG was the high percentage move there, but it will make sense to Rodgers’ ego. You publicly blame the scapegoat, fire him, and promise it won’t happen again.
Of course we were gonna go for it. But then Billy from Analytics said a FG gave us an 18% better chance to win. You know those analytics eggheads, am I right Aaron? Well, he’s gone. You won’t have to worry about that again.
Start a Smear Campaign Against His Ex-Girlfriends
Rodgers has dated several high profile ladies over the years, including current fiancé Shailene Woodley, as well as former flames Danica Patrick, Olivia Munn, and Jessica Szohr. We know Aaron can hold a grudge with the best of ’em, so he’s likely still holding on to some bitterness toward his exes. An internet smear campaign could only help relations with the brooding star.
Here is a draft of part of a letter that could be sent to the Packers’ fan club members.
Our amazing QB Aaron Rodgers needs us. We ask you, the great fans of the Packers, to hit the internet to make sure the world is aware of the following facts:
Rodgers broke up with Olivia Munn after he saw her movie “Office Christmas Party.” A neighbor saw him kicking her out of the house late that night saying “I can’t even look at you right now. Did you even read the script?”
Danica Patrick can’t parallel park to save her life and usually drives below the speed limit.
On the set of Gossip Girl, Blake Lively, who had just started dating Ryan Reynolds, told Jessica Szohr that she was the only one with a hotter boyfriend, when she starting dating Rodgers.
Get out there and spread these facts, oh great Cheese Minions! Your mission is integral to the success of the team. The following prizes will be awarded to some lucky fans:
-1,000 fans will receive a drive by wave from Aaron himself
-5,000 fans will receive a jumbo sized cheesehead signed by Aaron
-10.000 fans will receive a personally recorded (addressed to “dude” or “hey there”) voicemail from Aaron
-Five grand prize winners will receive a throwing session with Packers TE Mercedes Lewis. Lewis will run routes and the lucky fans will throw it to him, just like Aaron Rodgers does!
Maybe I got a little carried away. Give me a call, Packers Nation, when you’re ready for a new GM. What else can the Packers do to keep him around?
Come back tomorrow for a guy who once tried to return a cheesehead when he realized it wasn’t edible, Angry Ward. Follow us on Twitter at @benwhit, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.