Big Ben Tuesday: Patriots Kickers, Peeping Cowboys, and Terrible 80s Comedies

STAMFORD, CT – Let’s get this over with. Um, I mean, Happy Tuesday! We’re talking Patriots Kickers, Peeping Cowboys, and Terrible 80s Comedies.

The Rookie

Ben Whitney

I’ve been wondering why the New England Patriots always have the best kicker. They had Hall of Famers Adam Vinatieri and Stephen Gostowski, consecutively. Then they took Nick Folk off the scrap heap and turned him into one of the best kickers in the league. The guy was a mediocre 80% kicker for 11 seasons, but the Pats picked him up and he hits 92.9% and 92.3% of his FGs over the last two seasons. What in the Jan Stenerud is going on?

The Rookie was a movie about a little league pitcher who break him arm and ends up with a 100 mph fast ball. I’m guessing the Pats did something similar to Folk. They definitely cut him open and put some weird metal or some sort of guided laser system in that leg.

Porkys

I want to believe this story about the shady Cowboys’ executive who allegedly filmed some of the cheerleaders changing. Is this a football team or an 80s sex comedy? I can’t help but picture Jerry Jones and a bunch of fat old executive sharing a peep hole. We need a whiste-blower to fill in the blanks. It could all be made up, but I’m going to operate as if it’s true. “Innocent until proven guilty, except for the effing Cowboys,” I always say.

Freaky Friday

The second part of the allegation claims this same creep also took upskirt video of Jerry Jones’s daughter. The evidence isn’t exactly ironclad and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Well, except Jerry Jones himself, in some sort of weird, Freak Friday switcheroo. I don’t know where I’m going with this and should probably quit now.

Anyhooza, come back tomorrow for Angry Ward. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About Ben Whitney 318 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.