FLUSHING, NY – It’s one thing to lose a series to the one of the worst teams in Major League Baseball. To do lose a series to TWO of the WORST MLB teams within 10 days – with a Sleeping In Seattle sweep thrown in – smacks of doom. This, Ladies & Germs, is how we’ve arrived at today’s headliners: New York Mets Armageddon: Hawk Tuah Haley vs Grimace… and Starting Pitching.
Hawk Tuah Haley vs Grimace
From the feel-good, organic phenomenon of a children’s character (that was created to get kids to eat horrific food in a Flushing Flash) becoming a New York Mets good-luck charm, we’ve collapsed [further] into the sordid, shameless abyss of rewarding knee-jerk (or hand-jerk, in this instance) social media fame/infamy. Indeed, “Hawk Tuah” Haliey Welch threw out the first pitch yesterday at CitiField. It was that rare weekday matinee, teeming with kids from day camp and with folks playing hooky from work.
“Why is she called the Hawk Tuah girl, daddy?” asks Junoir Blaber, Jr. as Jose Quintana blows a 5-0 lead by giving up the 20th of his long-balls – a grand salami? Heads should roll for this, and Steve Cohen should issue a public apology and free tix to all in attendance yesterday. Or, maybe you double down and bring her back for her own… wait for it… HAWK TUAH BOBBLEHEAD – preferably when they play the YANKS! It just writes itself, folks.
In the meantime, moms and dads can send kids to Wikipedia for this explanation:
- Haliey Welch gained notability for a catchphrase, “hawk tuah”, an apparent onomatopoeia for spitting on a man’s genitals during oral sex.
If onomatopoeia doesn’t get you ready for a little pinch-n-tickle, nothing will!
Dear Uncle @StevenACohen2: How would you describe to kids what the flick the #HAWKTUAH thing is? Would you expect to have to do it at ballgame? A weekday matinee, no less?! America’s pastime took a “blow” yesterday & the “mess” is in your “hands”. Will Hawk Tuah Hank be next?
— Meet The Matts (@MeetTheMatts) August 16, 2024
Starting Pitching
As an alleged non-parent, the above obviously got me spitting mad and riled-to-a-lather. BUT the mediocrity and lack of Baseball IQ by the starting rotation gets my undies in a bunch even more. Jose Quintana and David Peterson walk way too many batters. Quintana is likely afraid to throw strikes, while Peterson just loses focus and/or tries to be perfect… and he ain’t. Against quality teams, you’re lucky to get 4 2/3 out of him. And he’s been the pleasant surprise – aside from the sliding Severino. That leaves Sean “Six Vowels” Manaea as your ace. He’s a nice #3 on a postseason team, not a #1. The bullpen sucks because it’s being overused constantly. As for any possible relief for the relievers, you’re better off Waiting for Godot rather then Kodai Senga and/or Christian Scott – who will be 26 and tossing 4 innings of 3-run ball next year someplace.
BONUS NOTES
By the way, this recent Amazins’ swoon is not on Pete Alonso, Francisco Lindor or Francisco Alvarez. It’s on Brandon Nimmo and J.D. Martinez, who have vanished since the All-Star break. They have failed miserably at their jobs of table-setting and protecting Pete, respectively.
