BRONX, NY – Before I get down to the usual useless banter today, I’d like to take a brief moment to mark the passing of a true legend, Dolly Parton. Whether it was her music, movies, philanthropy, or just her down-home charm and sense of humor, Dolly was irresistible. As the old saw goes, she was too good for this world. Rest in peace and thanks for caring, Dolly. *sigh* And now, here’s sports!
Ay, Oh, Way to Go, Ohio. In case you missed it, the Buckeye State has become the center of the NFL Universe in recent days. First we had the Hall of Fame inductions in Canton. Yawn! But then, just a couple of weeks later, came the main courses. And, people, they are simply scrumptious. Let’s break ’em down.
Watson Wins(?) Browns QB Job. I don’t even know where to begin with Deshaun Watson being named Cleveland’s starting quarterback by Browns’ HC Todd Monken, because there’s simply too many jokes. Okay, okay… I’ll try:
–Being named Cleveland’s QB is a lot like being told that they’re naming an incurable disease after you.
–Todd Monken is one of our most offensive minds. I mean that literally.
–Deshaun Watson may not have the downfield arm he once did, but he still has a great feel for touch passes… just ask countless massage therapists.
–He’s so washed-up, he’d disintegrate if you put an eyedropper of Tide on him. All right, let’s move on to something more ridiculous.
Niners’ Owner Busted Prospecting for Hookers in East Palestine, Ohio. Get off the stage Robert Kraft, because the NFL Owners have a new King of Stupidity. San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York, COME ON DOWN! Using the brilliant fake name “Joe” (gotta love that AI writing help), York was busted for soliciting prostitution in a part of Ohio even Ohioans don’t know, East Palestine. It almost sounds like a place where a feckless idiot could win a pointless war. Sorry, not this time. Mr. York got busted in a police sting for allegedly offering $160 (that’s one hundred and sixty dollars… in incredibly-rich-guy money) for a ticklish trailer park tête-à-tête (yes, it was a *ahem* “mobile home community”). No laughing from the peanut gallery, Giants fans. You’ve got an owner who has lots of fun mentions in something that rhymes with “the Schlepstein Piles.” Ugh, let’s move on.
Baseball Updates. As much as it pains me to say this, the New York Yankees are nipping at the heels of the Tampa Bay Rays in the AL East. Shockingly, that big trade TB made for NY Mets mope, Freddy Peralta, hasn’t exactly gone as planned. So far, Fredo is 0-2 with a 7.17 era in TB. Don’t accept any fishing invites, guy.
In other baseball news, my Mariners have been sub-abysmal but are still only a few games out of first in the AL Worst. Crazy times.
Speaking of time, that’s all I have for today. Check back in tomorrow for Philly Eagles WR 3, Buddy Diaz. Thanks for stopping by.
