BRONX, NY – The New York Mets’ 2020 season officially, and mercifully, ended on Monday when Jacob deGrom proved less-than-superhuman by taking his first loss of the season to the Marlins. But the bigger indicator that you can put a fork in Flushing baseball was a seemingly desperate and undeniably pathetic flurry of moves at the trade deadline by over-matched and underwhelming Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen. In my opinion, the worst of the lot was bringing Todd Frazier back. His return reminds me of that Simpson’s episode where Homer can’t get rid of a free trampoline he picked up. Anyone but Todd Frazier. No, really, I’ll even take guys that share one of his names or kinda sound like him. Here, I’ll show ya.
Todd Bridges. Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Angry Ward? Yes, I’m serious, I’ll take the guy who played second fiddle to Gary Coleman on Diff’rent Strokes over Todd Frazier. Bridges—or Willis Jackson, if you prefer—always struck me as a surly, troubled guy who would have fit in perfectly with the 1986 Mets. Think of him as a younger Darryl Strawberry, but without his current dreadful political suckuppery. Bonus: He could maybe get Mr. Drummond to buy the team.
Frasier Crane. The thing you hear over and over again about Todd Frazier is, “He’s a great clubhouse guy!” Take that lame take to the nearest rat-infested landfill. You need a good clubhouse guy? How about a renowned radio psychiatrist from Seattle. The Mets don’t need another sub-.240 hitter, they need a good shrink. Bonus: Maybe Frasier even brings in his friend Sam Malone to be pitching coach, ya never know. You have better ideas? I’m listening.
Rod Laver. The Mets could always use a few clutch singles, and Rod Laver has a tennis-record 200 singles titles. You need some Grand Slams? Laver won all four tennis grand slam majors in 1969, the only man to ever achieve that feat. This awesome Aussie is still kicking at age 82. Bonus: Laver played in the wooden racket era, so… um… I got nothing, let’s move on.
Walt Frazier. Do I even need to convince you that Walt “Clyde” Frazier would make a better addition to the Mets than just about anyone, but especially Todd Frazier? Bonus: Put him in the booth with Keith, Gary, and Ron. It would be like when the Warriors added Kevin Durant. His fashion face offs with Keith will be epic.
Todd from Christmas Vacation. Yes, I’d even prefer Clark Griswold’s yuppie neighbor to Todd Frazier, who said on Monday, “I have unfinished business in Queens.” What does that even mean??? You need to get back and finish sucking? At least CV Todd brings Julia Louis-Dreyfus to the party. Bonus: The line, “I DON’T KNOW, MARGO!” could be used to get rid of “Everybody clap your hands!” once and for all.
Dairy Queen Brazier. It’s a Dairy Queen, but with chili dogs and burgers and stuff. Bonus: I just mentioned chili dogs, didn’t I?!?
Todd Rundgren. I don’t know who gave Todd Frazier the nickname The Toddfather—and I’m sure as hell not looking it up—but it’s John-Sterling-home-run-call bad. If anyone’s gonna get to use that stupid moniker, it’s Todd Rundgren. Not sure what TR can bring to the Mets. Maybe he can sit out with the 7 Line Army and bang on the drum all day. Bonus: Every time Edwin Diaz enters a game they can play the sad dirge “Hello It’s Me” royalty-free.
On that sour note, I’m done for this week. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who did NOT come to this site for cash considerations.
