*NOTE: While last night’s UCLA vs Gonzaga game was epic and worth watching again, we’re leaving March Madness off the table today.
AUSTIN, TX – Of course Cheesy Bruin had to play Hangover Hooky on the worst possible day for yours truly, a travel day from this unique Texas city to my beloved Big Apple. 
It’s also Easter Sunday, which ends Lent for moi, and means I can resume drinking, cursing and lying. With that, Happy F****ing Easter. Here are today’s topics: Miraculous Mercedes, Weak Warriors, Harvey Back in Orange!
Miraculous Mercedes
Oh, that Yermin engineering! (This witty quip requires you knowing that Mercedes is a German company). We’re not talking cars, though, we’re talking Yermin Mercedes, the Cadillac of Chicago White Sox hitters. All this fella has done is start a baseball season better than anyone in 121 years. That’s 1900, for you f****ing fact-checkers. Y-Merc, who is built more like a Mack truck and wears an endearing #73, was 8-8 before flying out on a 3-2 pitch. He did this as a catcher. That is just f****ing crazy. A) You have to be a good hitter B) You need a lot of luck and C) All of the Above… The Chisox are a team to watch. You heard it hear here first.
Speaking of making history…
Weak Warriors
Holy Crucifixion, Batman! Angry Ward must be Wallowing Ward after his Golden State Warriors lost by 53 POINTS to a Toronto Raptors team that has been, well… AWFUL. The Canadians had lost 13 of 14 coming into this one, yet they made NBA history by outscoring [Not So] Golden State by 51 points in the second and third quarters. This was the largest point differential over a two-quarter span in league anals annals. Boy, what a kick in the ass, eh?! (Canadian voice needed for that was line).
While we’re talking asses…
Harvey Back in Orange!
Matt Harvey is back in NY Mets orange! It just happens to be in the uniform of the only team to ever look worse in orange than the Amazin’s… your Baltimore Orioles. Yesterday, we called out our media colleagues for making such a big deal about Trevor Bauer’s outing. Well, the bigger story might be that Matthew Edward Harvey pitched 4 2/3 of 2-run ball in Boston. He didn’t get shellacked, had a decent fastball and was not prematurely posing nude for Sports Illustrated after a brief bit of success. As someone that has hopefully become less of a douche with age, I am rooting for a humbler Harvey. In fact, I’d love to see The Harve successfully back in New York Mets orange and blue… romantic that I am.
Speaking of romance, come back tomorrow for our lovable Easter Bunny, Junoir Blaber. But feel free to comment below and criticize yours humbly for this call of the match below.
