NEW YORK, NY – Management fully understands your disappointment/discontentment in coming here today and seeing the Angry Ward is AWOL. He is the Meet The Matts verision of Jim McMahon. He’s another Aaron Rodgers. He’s a regular Billy Martin. A-Dubya is the rebel that will call out his owner, coach, medical/societal/political establishment and, of course, MTM Management. But guess what? Because somebody thought MONDAY was a good day to have Christmas, we’re all walking around confused, not knowing what f*ck*ng day today is. That includes Angry Ward, who is not missing because he’s part of some sleep-in protest with Brian Cashman. No. He forgot. And he’s traveling – which means he’s ANGRY, so we all really miss out! But this is The Bigs and we need someone to step in when Aaron Rodgers or Danny Dimes goes down. That being the case, I’ll be your huckleberry. I’m your Tommy Cutlets. I’m your Mike White (If only, right Jets’ fans?) – and here’s what we’ll be looking at: Taylor Swift is Travis Kelce’s Yoko Ono, Brock Purdy Bullsh!t, Jets Flacco Flack
Travis Kelce & Taylor Swift
The Kansas City Chiefs lost to the Las Vegas Raiders of Los Angeles and Oakland the other night. If was a wet, cold night in Kansas City (which is in Kansas, if you’re Donald Trump). Surely, that kind of weather would suit the the home team, right? Heck, the visitors play in sun-spashed Vegas! But wait, this isn’t Cam James’ Chiefs. It sure as hell ain’t Tyreek Hill’s KC. Yet, we all know, when pressed, whose Chiefs this is. [Drum Roll]… it’s Taylor Swift’s. And what are we seeing from this iteration of the team? Up and down play and dropped passes, that’s what. Even The Mighty Kelce himself can’t handle balls right in his face! Dare I say that Taylor Swift is to the Chiefs what Yoko Ono was to the Beatles?
Brock Purdy Bullsh!t
“A 23-year-old QB, one that has defied all odds for 2 seasons, suddenly should lose his job because of a bad night on national TV, against a very solid, sneaky-good team.” – The Internet
Boy, it’s a good thing for Jim Kelly that Al Gore’s Information Super Highway wasn’t what it is today when he got benched at halftime for Frank Reich. Let’s not even bring up Peyton Manning’s rookie year. Same goes for Drew Brees, Dan Fouts, Warren Moon and Troy Aikman. Granted, Brock didn’t look so Purdy vs Baltimore, but HE AIN’T ZACH WILSON. And here’s a non sequitur: MIKE WHITE SUCKS. But back to Brock Purdy: he was a top 4 favorite to win the MVP before this poop performance vs the Ravens. This isn’t week one, people. It’s like round 24! The guy is pretty good. His mental make-up is exactly what you want in a QB. Most importantly for those of you out there forming instant opinions/destroying people on the web (looking at you again, J-E-T-S fans), there is NO INTEL that suggests Purdy ZINGED HIS MOM’S FRIEND. Did I mention that the guy has his second stinger in two weeks? Do you know what a stinger is, why it happens and what it feels like? I do. It sucks. It might mean an extremity is numb for a period of time. Should he have played if he couldn’t feel something on this body? F’ yeah! He’s in the NFL, where playing hurt is part of the job description. Purdy is NOT PLAYING A VIDEO GAME! But this is the world now, one in which someone that can’t stand the 49ers – ME – is defending them against the flooding tides of turds and trolls. (And you thought there’d be no ANGER today!)
And that brings us to our grand finale…
Jets Flacco Flack
Just noticing that much of my pinch-hit anger is fueled by Gang Green fans. This portion of it is courtesy of youse/yis out there b*tching about Joe Flacco’s success in Cleveland. Let me clear this up for you right now, dumb-dumbs: Flacco is playing on a good team with a QUALITY OFFENSIVE LINE. In case it escaped you, any QB for the J-E-S-T is running for their lives on EVERY PLAY. Flacco, while still a professionally capable passer, lost a race to a snail last week. A sloth sprinted by him two weeks ago. In case that didn’t get through your cement-filled skulls, Flacco is immobile. HE CAN’T MOVE. If I were him, I’d rather be drawn-n-quatered in the public square – after being tarred and feathered – before taking a snap behind that fiasco of a Jets’ offensive line. Take the Mike White-colored glasses off, Jets’ Nation: your team and coach just suck.
There you have it. Please don’t hesitate to comment below and be sure to come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is that rare combo of Knicks/Eagles/Yankees fan.