Angry Ward Wednesday: No Offense But… the NFL is Offensive

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BRONX, NY – This Labor Day weekend a woman at the US Open Tennis tournament in Flushing was captured on camera dunking a chicken tender into a cup of Coca Cola and then eating it, and somehow this was one of the least offensive things to happen in sports in some time. I was easily more offended by our own DJ Eberle’s room-temperature-at-best Hot Takes this Monday. But, hey, at least he showed up, which is more than I can say for our camping-happy Sunday contributor, who was hopefully off tending to his weenie and pitching a tent. Anyway, the NFL season kicks off tomorrow night with the potential to be one of the most offensive seasons ever. And by that I mean both in terms of points scored and through-the-roof levels of overall sh!tty behavior.

Boo Hoo… (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Kaepernick makes the(m) cut. Just to quickly follow up on my Colin Kaepernick rant from last week, Nike is now using him in their newest “Just Do It” campaign and, somewhat predictably, a bunch of genius sh!tkickers started cutting the swoosh logo off their Nike apparel and burning their cowpie-caked Air Jordans. Meanwhile their fearless leader, the Mutant from Mar-a-Lago, stopped short of his usual nuke job on the sneaker giant and even pointed out that “Nike is a tenant of mine. They pay a lot of rent.” People will never wake up, but I did see one great suggestion on social media that someone should pay Kaep to do spots for the NRA.

Football Fans are the Worst. I’m not-so-secretly hoping that all this Sam Darnold/Jets hype is way overblown because Jets fans are so much more bearable in their neutered state. Give this base even a little hope and their raging alcoholism and BS blue collar posturing come to the fore. And it’s not just Jets fans. We saw last season what is looked like when you unleashed Eagles fans. They were eating dog sh!t straight off the street, fer cryin’ out loud. Where are your manners? Use a plate! Here are other teams’ fans that must be kept miserable this year and why. Buffalo Bills (Bills Mafia are just colder, more suicidal Eagles fans), Dallas Cowboys (Ted Cruz is more palatable. Nuff said), Green Bay Packers (Dickcheeseheads), Washington Redskins (sh!tty fans, even sh!ttier owner), Pittsburgh Steelers (leftover racist 70s frontrunners), Oakland Raiders (do we really need to explain this one?), New England Patriots (fack off already, ya chowdah slurping stooges), Denver Broncos (they love Elway and know nothing about football), Miami Dolphins (Florida easily has the worst fans in all of sports), and Seattle (f**k the 12th Man with an espresso machine).

The Overall NFL Experience. In a nutshell the NFL is, filthy rich a$$holes getting richer, players getting killed on the field and then killed off the field in the court of public opinion when they exhibit any kind of thought or originality that has to do with anything but football and the flag, horrible TV pregame shows as far as the eye can see, the money-suck that is tickets, parking, and concessions, rampant drunk driving to and from games, and an endless army of morons who refuse to shut up about their fantasy teams. But at least there’s gambling.

I’m done. Enjoy the season, I guess. Just remember you can do that from the comfort of your own home with the best beer and food, no bathroom lines, and fast-forwarding through commercials.

Yankee Fans: (Photo: Carlos Barria – Reuters)

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who David Remnick will be interviewing in lieu of Steve Bannon at The New Yorker Festival.

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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