VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA – What, you think I’m giving you a stupid Winter Olympics preview? Screw you! I don’t owe anyone anything, least of all The Matts. After suffering through this past Mets season and watching the Vikings personally punch the Saints’ tickets to the Super Bowl, I’ll write whatever I damn well please. You want a Winter Olympics preview? I got your Olympics preview right here pal (insert crude hand-to-crotch gesture here).
CURLING: I personally think that Harpo Marx was the most famous curly-haired person ever. Juan Epstein being a distant second. Harpo, pictured here without his two famous brothers, Zeppo and Gummo.
SKELETON: Will someone please take some of these Hollywood actresses out for a few cheeseburgers and shakes? I’m not gonna name names, you know who you are. I’ll take Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks over some of these toothpicks any day.
Hendricks should sue the Golden Globes for stealing her nickname.
FIGURE SKATING: Even the most flamboyant of homosexuals think that figure skating is “a little gay.” Just ask Johnny Weir.
Johnny are you Weir?
ICE HOCKEY: It was great fun watching Sean Avery get his lights punched out by some cement-head on the Flyers last week. He went down faster than a cocktail waitress on Tiger Woods. Later he took out his frustrations on some lesser goon but that didn’t erase the memory of him dropping to the ice with one punch.
LUGE: This is the answer to the question, “What do the Mets do every time Ollie Perez pitches?” Luge. It’s also no secret that there are no shortage of Lugers in their front office.
SKI JUMPING: If New York ever lands the Summer games there’s talk that turnstile jumping may be added as an official Olympic event. The Gold medal favorites for that event would of course be The Warriors, but don’t go to sleep on the Baseball Furies.
Make no mistake, in the Olympics, the Warriors will come out to play.
BIATHLON: Does anyone think that Keith Hernandez might be biathlon?
SNOWBOARDING: This is what the CIA now uses to torture terror suspects.
ALPINE SKIING: You should skip this and just rent out the 80s classic, Hot Dog: The Movie. It’s got tons of skiing including the climactic Chinese Downhill, some of the best bad acting you’ve ever seen, led by David Naughton of Dr. Pepper fame, and brief nudity galore, featuring a nubile Shannon Tweed, years before Gene Simmons got his grubby mitts on her.
The cast of Hot Dog: The Movie unfortunately sans Shannon Tweed. The reason she’s missing is she barely had a scene with her clothes on.
BOBSLEDDING: Who the hell wants to watch Bob sledding? Haven’t we all seen Bob sled around a million times already? And isn’t it annoying how he named his stupid sled Rosebud? Why must Bob always be the center of attention?
SHORT TRACK SPEED SKATING: Also known as Idiots on Ice. You can generate around the same amount of excitement and results playing Battling Tops or with your old Hot Wheels set.
Battling Tops, from the fine folks at Ideal.
NORDIC COMBINED: This is the title of a Swedish Erotica DVD that Yankee Joe told me to tell you that he’s selling on eBay.
CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING: How Conan O’Brien and staff plan to get back to New York when NBC fails to pony up their air fare.
Okay, this is all you humans get from me today. If I could have given any less I would have. Now leave me to my cheap beer and Season 2 of Taxi.
Dr. Diz, tomorrow.