FLUSHING, NY – (3 minute applause) Good evening fellow Meet The Matts readers this is Jeff Wilpon and I’d like to welcome you to the State of the Union here at MTM (90 second applause). There are a lot of divisive issues we’d like to get to today. Some of you may agree with our stance but some may not, but that is the nature of politics. We welcome the rebuttal of our fellow readers on any and all subjects. So without further hyperbole I’d like to begin (45 second applause).
HEALTH CARE: For the past few years most of the questions from the MTM constituents are about the Mets health. First, at first, Carlos Delgado can’t stand for the National Anthem, then Jose Reyes can’t do the meringue and finally, David Wright can’t lift a 10-lb dumbbell over his head. Well the Met Congress and I have decided on a solution for this mess known as the Jason Bay-lout. This well-respected Canadian (think John Candy with a lap-band) has access to very cheap prescription drugs north of the “border” (typo fixed as per Cookie) which should sustain the Metropolitans through the pennant drive. If all else fails on the medical front we can reuse our new slogan “We Believe In Comebacks” ad infinitum for the next millennium, saving us money on marketing costs (75 second applause).
DISASTER RELIEF: Let’s face it, last year was nothing short of a disaster for our beloved Mets (15 seconds applause). Not only did our team soil the bed but the hated Yanks won the Series. What in the world can be done about this. Well here is our solution, “Ask not what The Mets can do for you, but what can you do for The Mets“. Thank goodness there is a fresh disaster to take most sane people’s mind off the subject. Let’s hope Angelina Jolie decides to adopt Haitian kids at a faster rate than Alex Rodriguez goes through steroids so we can begin to focus on the inevitable Jolie/Brad Pitt split instead of when lower c will drop the next pop-up (18 second applause).
GUN CONTROL: The Mets firmly believe in the 2nd Amendment without restrictions. With this in mind, we announce a deal between ourselves and the Washington Wizards in which we will get Gilbert Arenas for a player to be named later (2 second applause). We expect Gilbert to shoot anyone who does not obey Razor Shines first base orders (one man clapping for 3 seconds). If a Met player makes it to third base successfully, then they can expect new third base coach Javaris Crittenton to be packing heat, ensuring that they make it the rest of the way home (stunned silence).
RECOVERY: Many people think the lowest point for the Mets came when Tom Seaver was traded for a cast of characters led by Pat Zachary in 1977. This is true. It is no coincidence that the Happy Days episode of The Fonz jumping the shark happened in 1977, as well (standing ovation lasting 4 minutes). My fellow Americans, I believe that this is a watershed moment for the Mets organization. Last year with the signing of Oliver Perez to a 3-year, 36 million dollar contract, WE JUMPED THE SHARK. It can’t get any worse than this (13 minute standing ovation). Older folks will remember that time as fondly as younger generations will remember the time when American Idol jumped the dyke by having Ellen Degeneres as a panel member (muted Republican applause). Remember our slogan “We Believe in Comebacks”. (45 second applause).
I know these seem like insurmountable odds but remember that people like John Travolta were able to save lives just by their presence in Haiti. Omar believes the same is true with the Mets, and that is why we will be bringing back Omar’s personal friends Fernando Tatis, Luis Castillo, Alex Cora and Carlos Delgado for no other good reason for 2010.
Thank you everyone and goodnight (4 second applause).