Angry Ward Wednesday: Papal Tigers, Power Backs and Plump Pitchers

Angry Ward
Angry Ward

New York, NY – Holy smokes! It’s 10:10 pm on Tuesday night and I still haven’t written my column! Where did the day go? Just got back from JG Clancy’s triumphant return to NY/Birthday Bash at Piper’s Kilt Inwood. Along with Clancy there were several other MTM luminaries in attendance including Tall Matt and Grote2DMax. It was a real who’s who of who cares. That being said, the burgers and beer were first rate, as was the company. But enough about that, I have a column to write or… as they would say in Blazing Saddles… “Never mind that shit. Here comes Mongo!

Pope Different Matt Meet_The_Matts
Pope Different Matt?

Drafting a Pontiff. So, apparently they are really dragging out this choosing a new Pope thing over there in Vatican City. What gives? Shouldn’t there be a simple process for choosing a Pope, the same way they have draft combines and wonderlic tests for aspiring pro football players? It’s hilarious to hear news reporters talk about the proceedings like it’s a matter of global life or death. As I write this, Vatican security forces (who knew?) are sweeping the area to make sure there are no bugs or other electronic listening devices in the vicinity. What, is Bill Belichick vacationing in Rome or something? Anyway, get on with it. It’s not rocket science. Just choose the fella with the fewest sex scandal stories attached to his sphere of influence and be done with it. Also, don’t select any Cardinal named JaMarcus or Nagle. Personally, I think Mickey Rourke, The Pope of Greenwich Village, would make an excellent choice.

Power Play. Today posted a list of the Top 25 Power Running Backs in NFL History. It wasn’t a bad list, but it was not without its flaws. For one, it seems apparent that the young guy who came up with the list did not have the benefit of seeing some of these guys play. There can be no other reason why he would have someone like Franco Harris, a guy who constantly ran out of bounds to avoid the big hit, listed at #9. Also for some reason he has Tony Dorsett and Herschel Walker as a tandem at #19. Wha? For starters, no one would ever mistake Dorsett for a power back. And while Walker was a big guy, he was a power back (and not a very good one) by default. He simply could only run in a straight line. Marcus Allen at #17? Power back? I have no idea what that’s all about.

terry forster sandwich Meet_The_MattsYou’ve Got to Change Your Eating Ways, Baby. I don’t want to end this without talking a little baseball. I see the Mets are up to their old tricks with several players already going down with injuries and flying here or there to be evaluated. Then there’s Johan Santana, who is pissed off at GM Sandy Alderson for telling the press that he felt Johan was not in “pitching shape.” In GM-speak that translates into, “This guy is fatter than Mickey Lolich and Terry Forster combined.” It now looks as though Santana may start the season on the DL (Digestively Lethargic) list. Speaking of pitchers… Also starting the season on the shelf is Yanks GM Brian Cashman who apparently broke his ankle jumping out of an airplane in an attempt to stop Joba Chamberlain from getting on another trampoline. Cash gets an A for effort, but an F for landing technique.

OK, that’s all folks. Banged this thing out in 40 minutes… and it shows. Come back tomorrow for Cam James or Lori Levine.

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About Angry Ward 743 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.