NEW YORK, NY – Okay, so we’ve got our Carnac The Magnificent hats on today and we’re using their inherent clairvoyant powers for today’s topic: Baseball Busts of 2013.
Joe Mauer: Yeah, he’s tall, good-looking, signed to stay in his hometown and is still behind the plate. But for the boatload of Twinkie$ Minnesota shipped to him, he’s more of a aging Jon Olerud at the dish than he is a Mike Piazza.
The Los Angeles Dodgers of Chavez Ravine: They will be this year’s 2013 Boston Marlins. Sure, they look great on paper but we’ve always thought Donnie Baseball was a little dopey. He has that just-woke-up look permanently etched on his face. Further, we’re still not over the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn, so we’re rooting heavily for their failure. That would give us bust West Coast Craig’s chops over for constantly crushing us in Words With Friends… (Who uses azuth in real life?!)
The Los Angeles Angles of Anaheims’s Orange County: For our resident Cardinals fan, Cam James, we’re on the Bash Poo-holes Bandwagon. We were pretty much indifferent last year but after becoming privy to the intel that Stan Musial actually pleaded with Albert to stay in St. Larussa to no avail, he’s now got a MTM Bullseye on his pumpkin-sized head. But just to lend some authenticity to our picking this team as a bust, note the following:
A) Josh Hamilton is a ticking time-bomb.
B) Prince Albert got his birth certificate from El Duque
C) Jered Weaver is experimenting with arm slots. “The last couple years, I’ve had some tightness in my shoulder. I haven’t had this much range of motion in my shoulder in a while. It feels good. It’s like almost having to throw from a new arm slot.”
D) They are the Yankees West – old, injured and rife with bloated contracts.
Alex Rodriguez: You need only to look to NYC’s “other” baseball borough in the Boogie Down Bronx to find another bust. But really, we’re not telling anyone they don’t already know. In fact, he was arguably the 2012 Baseball Bust of The Year and will likely be win the dubious distinction in 2014. In the immortal words of Short Matt’s Maori rugby coach to our man during a halftime pep talk, “You sucked last year, you suck this year and you’ll suck next year!”
And last but not least…
Travis D’Arnuad: It really troubles us to say this but we’re sticking to our guns on the R.A. Dickey Salary Dump as being just that – a salary dump. There is simply no logic to trade a franchise-making young catcher for a 38-year-old pitcher. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Rien… Wait that last one was French, which they speak in Canada. So, there is the one reason we could be wrong – it was just a dopey Canadian miscalculation. We can only hope but we’re so begrudgingly confident he’s going to be a bust that we’re not bothering to spell-check his last name.
Cheesy Bruin, tomorrow.