NEW YORK, NY – What an age we live in! Are you hankering for 5-course gourmet meal? Just pick up the phone and have someone run one over. You have trouble remembering something? Who cares??? The Internet will do it for you. Feel like blasting off into space? If you got a couple hundred grand laying around, you too can be John Glenn. But perhaps the most important advancements have been made in the field of medicine. These day there are drugs that can treat and, in some instances, cure everything from impotence to insomnia. However, scientists now are focusing their pharmaceutical efforts on sports-related afflictions. Here are some of the major league medicines currently in the works.
Metsadone. Finally an anti-depressant tailor made for long-suffering Mets fans. Take one pill daily, one hour prior to any Mets game, and forget all your worries as well as every Ike Davis and Ruben Tejada at-bat. Doctor’s Warning: Seek immediate medical help for any smile lasting more than four hours.
Penguincillin. Pittsburgh hockey fans rejoice! There’s now a black and gold capsule specially formulated to treat the agitated larynx and tightening of the esophagus symptoms most commonly associated with choking. With Penguincillin you can say goodbye to rust belt Heimlich maneuvers for good. Note: Be sure not to confuse with Boston-based black and gold anti-euphoria drug Bruinzitol.
Frozac. Today’s boring athlete hairstyles got you longing for the far out ‘Fros of the 70s? Simply pop this mild hallucinogen and even the dullest of ‘dos will transform before your eyes into the gravity-defying, mindbending coifs of legends like Oscar Gamble, Don Stanhouse, and Dr, J. Side Effects May include: Pete Rose bowl cut paranoia and Otis Sistrunk pattern baldness.
Bermoseltzer. At last there’s relief from Chris Berman-induced heartburn. At first sign of Boomer brought-on regurge, pop open a bottle of this elixir and tip it back… back… back until symptoms subside. Bermoseltzer could… go… all… the… way in wiping out ESPNdigestion for good. This product should not be used to treat any of the following: John Clayton Colitis, Stuart Scott Flashes, or Mike and Mike in the Morning Sickness.
Yankitin. Tired of being an a-hole Yankees fan? There may be hope for you yet. This dual attention deficit disorder/anti-inflammatory will help you find the error of your ways when it comes to pulling for the pinstripes. Kiss that outer-borough blowhardism and A-Rod nausea goodbye with Yankitin. Warning! Do not take this drug if you are currently taking LipiTorre.
Goonesta. If you’re one of those sensitive souls that loves hockey but hates the thought of two cement heads squaring off at center ice trying to brain each other then Goonesta may be the answer to all your problems. At first sign of gloves being dropped drop one Goonie and fall into an immediate 5-minute major nap. Ask a doctor of pharmacist before use if you are: agitated, jumpy, or unusually blood thirsty.
Look, there are dozens of other drugs out there for things such as LeBronchitis, Dodger Flopsy and Jets Quarterback venereal disease, it’s your business to do the research and find the one that’s best for you.
Come back tomorrow for… Fake Sandy Alderson.