ST. LOUIS, MO – There are few things more annoying than news headlines about Athletes/Celebrities involved in gun crimes. After weeks of speculation, Aaron Hernandez has become the most recent imbecile that has busted a cap in someone or something. Look, I am a country boy and a card-carrying member of the NRA. But I do think we need gun control in this country. If you are famous for some reason you should not be able to carry a firearm. Hell, even a recent vice president wasn’t immune to peppering someone’s ass with lead. In fact I think there are a lot of things that celebrities shouldn’t be allowed to do or have. Below is a list of everything a smart athlete/celebrity employer should ban them from in an airtight, enforceable, non guaranteed contract.
Motorcycles – Big Ben should have played for free for the remainder of his contract after pulling the stunt he pulled. In fact owning and operating a motorcycle was banned by his contract. Unfortunately, the Rooneys didn’t have the cajones to ground that pariah. Fortunately for us, however, Big Benny brings me to my next point.
Underage sexual partners – Seriously is 18 so hard to ask for? And if you are going to cut it close when you make millions of dollars you can afford to put them all through a wait list and background check first. This goes both ways too. No one wants to see Justin Bieber deflowered by a single Demi Moore.
Guitar Hero – Believe it or not as a met K-Rod injured himself playing too much Guitar Hero. Evidently finishing “More than a feeling” on expert will give you forearm tendinitis.
Steroids – I hate the Yankees but I thoroughly enjoyed Brian Cashman’s cat-like spray in the pissing contest between him and A-Roid. It goes to show that only in New York could you be hired and the front office knows you are cheating the whole time… and then right when you get caught, they throw you to the fishes.
Milk – Milk can cause a large amount of bloating and it generally shouldn’t be consumed while outside on a hot day. Just ask Ron Burgundy.
Reality TV – If you are already famous for something do not whore yourself out to Oxygen or Lifetime for a touching look into your life. No one cares. It’s a lot more interesting to watch the taboo shows about crazy screwed up people who don’t need a BS lens and a bad catchphrase to be interesting