Angry Ward Wednesday: Now Caffeinated! Featuring Mariano, Tebow, Belichick and Bashful Bugs

mariano rivera with Bible Meet_The_MattBRONX, NY – My PC is afflicted with some sort of horrendous virus. On top of this I am dragging ass from being out in the rain last night after knocking back some liquid comedy and barbecue at Dinosaur with my buddy Gus. But to hell with it all, I’ll just bang this thing out in safe mode and, more importantly, I’ve decided to drink some coffee. Big deal, you say? Well, it is for me. I never touch the stuff. Starbucks is as foreign a place to me as a non-gay bathhouse is to Short Matt. Yet here I sit, gulping down a black, non-sweetened ice coffee, synapses firing, mind racing, fingers hitting the keyboard like Tito Puente on a conga. Let’s get to it!

Mariano Saves. My New York Magazine arrived yesterday and the cover story is on Mariano Rivera and his intended next career as an Evangelist. I haven’t gotten to it yet but I am eager to. I did see one line from Mo in which he says, “You don’t own your gifts like a pair of jeans.” That’s deep, baby. I like it. I am so curious about the idea of Mariano speaking out or even speaking at all. In his entire tenure with the Yankees it’s hard to remember even a word he’s said. That’s how quiet the guy has been. Even if you don’t share his beliefs, you gotta admire a person who is about to embark on a second act altogether different from his first. One can only wonder if he’ll deliver “the word” with his usual soft-spoken approach or the fire and brimstone of his cutter.

cicadas12n-6-webCicada Bananas. Am I mistaken or weren’t thousands of cicadas supposed to be getting their buzzing, clicking groove on right about now? I live in a fairly woodsy area and haven’t heard a peep. What gives? These bugs waited 17 years to do the wild thing and then got stage fright? Even I get more action than this, and that’s just sad. If things don’t pick up soon, they should rename these Brood II buggers the Tebow Cicadas. Speaking of Timmy…

Bill & Tim's Excellent Adventure Patriots Meet_The_MattsBill and Tim’s Excellent Adventure. In the “why am I not surprised” department, the New England Patriots have signed holy-roller quarterback Tim Tebow to a reported two-year deal with no guaranteed money.(Not to worry, the Lord will provide.) At the press conference Pats coach Bill Belichick kept it short and sour, as usual calling Tebow “a talented player who is smart and works hard” and then pretty much dismissed the topic. But doesn’t this signing just reek of Dollar Bill wanting to use Tebow in some way that will be an absolute embarrassment to the Jets? I think it does, and it’s just another example of what a snotty little child Belichick can be at times. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to see Tebow score on the Jets but am really starting to get why people don’t like Belichick.

This Just in… Pacman Jones arrested again, Chad Johnson’s goofing around gets him 30 days in the clink, and the Mets still stink. Some things you can just set your watch to.

Coffee’s wearing off, so that’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for the sultry sounds of Cam James or Lori Levine.

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About Angry Ward 747 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.