Angry Ward Wednesday: NYC Mayoral Hopefuls Are a Bunch of Sports

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If only Trump would run.

NEW YORK, NY – As Major League Baseball’s All Star break approaches, everyone’s focus shifts to New York and the upcoming 2013 Mayoral election. What, you thought I was going to say the All Star Game? Nobody cares about no stinkin’ All Star Game. The New York City Mayor’s race is where the real action’s at, and the field of hopeful candidates is as diverse a group of sports as you’re ever likely to encounter. Here’s a quick rundown.

Sal Albanese. This Brooklyn guy took a surprising 21% of the Democratic primary vote back in 1997. Among his many plans, he would like to legalize marijuana, which would return local baseball cathedrals to their 1970s upper deck reefer madness heydaze. Not surprisingly, his one major endorsement thus far is from West Coast Craig. Little known fact about this candidate, he once owned a basketball team in the CBA called the Albanese Patroons.

Bill de Blasio. Don’t let the 1980s designer-jean-sounding last name fool you, De Blasio is formidable. Standing six-foot-five, Big Bill has an open invitation to Knicks’ training camp if the whole “Mayor” thing doesn’t work out. The Knicks brass think that he could possibly run the point–his left-leaning ways perhaps transitioning to a hoops skill set that would spread the ball around liberally.

Adolfo Carrion Jr. This Independent hopes to sneak into office by locking up the Latino vote then hoping that a good number of numskull Metropolitans fans believe his claims that former Mets outfielder Mark Carreon is his cousin and also his choice for Deputy Mayor.

John_Catsimatidis as Zero_Mostel Meet_The_Matts
NYC Mayoral Hopefuls: Catsimatidis & Catsimatidis

John Catsimatidis. Where to begin with this guy? First off, he owns the Gristedes supermarket chain which is more stinky and overpriced than the 2013 New York Yankees. If elected, this Republican promises to buy out the Wilpons and sell the team to fellow Greek Peter Angelos. An upgrade? You decide. He also vows to bring more Gyro stands to both CitiField and Yankee Stadium. If he gets in, you can also expect Nick Markakis to end up in New York shortly thereafter. Hey, the guy can hit.

Joseph Lhota. The former MTA Chief lives in a $3.5 million penthouse duplex in Brooklyn Heights. And you were wondering why the MTA keeps losing money? Among his promises, building a super-fast monorail from Times Square to Met Life Stadium in Jersey. He plans to pay for it by once again raising transit fares. He also has designs to turn his duplex into a triplex and make Gracie Mansion a Karaoke Bar called “Regular Joes.” Worst of all is his campaign jingle “Joe L-Hota!” which is set to The Knack’sMy Sharona.

my-sharonaJohn Liu. This one’s simple. Never vote for a politician whose first and last names are synonymous with restrooms, let alone one from Flushing. If he gets in, look for him to crap all over everyone who tried to keep him out.

George McDonald. Had a farm, eee-iii-eee-iii-ohhhh. He’s actually the founder of something called The Doe Fund. The Wilpons may want to give him a call.

Erick Salgado. A minister whose parents apparently couldn’t choose between spelling his name with a “c” or a “k”, Salgado is chasing the burgeoning evangelical Hispanic vote, which means he most likely has Mariano Rivera and that guy on the fourth floor in my building who always crosses himself before getting on the elevator, locked up.

Bill Thompson. His name immediately makes you think of some guy who was a utility-infielder for the San Francisco Giants in 1981. But amazingly enough, according to baseballreference.com, there has never been a Bill Thompson to play in the bigs. That’s insane! Whether or not he gets elected, he needs to suit up for someone… and the Harlem Shaskys don’t count.

Christine Quinn. This Democratic powerhouse has all the makings of a horse that’s a lead-pipe cinch to win the Kentucky Derby and then comes in something like 6th. When it comes to New York politics, it’s never a good thing to peak too soon. Nevertheless, if she wins, she’ll become the first openly lesbian Mayor of New York since Abe Beame.

anthony_weiner hockey Meet_The_MattsAnthony Weiner. Thanks to alphabetical order, we’ve saved the best for last. This guy gets points for having the moxie to not only come back from a laughable twitter scandal but also taking the lead in the polls. We deduct points for his failure, thus far, to hire former Red Sox pitcher and Yankee Frank pitchman Luis Tiant to do some “It’s Great to be with a Weiner” campaign commercials. This guy used to play hockey with our own Short Matt. Both men also seem to like preening in front of the cameras. So, in essence, a vote for Weiner is a vote for Short Matt. You’ve been warned.

That’s it for this week. Tune in tomorrow for Cam James, who is out polling the electorate.

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About Angry Ward 748 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.