ST. LOUIS, MO – Each year in mid-July, baseball takes a break and golf pays homage to the birth of the game by having the world’s finest return to the birthplace of the game. Personally, I think the All Star Game and the Open Championship both stink more than Junoir Blaber after a rugby match. Today I intend to tell you why each event blows more than Chris Christie after Mexican food and a colon cleanse. First to be maligned… the Mid-Summer Classic.
The All Star Game sucks because:
1) Fans suck at choosing All Stars: Why the hell would we do something so stupid as to trust the masses to decide who is a good baseball player or not? Most have not seen anyone play outside their own market or division. Past that, those who play in big markets have a supremely unfair advantage. If I had a dollar for every year I looked at the AL roster and 2/3rds came from the AL East, I would have like as many dollars as I have been alive. The Yankees had the gall to include the following in their campaign for this year’s game: Jeter, Teixeira, Granderson. I rest my case…
2) Bud Selig ruined the game: The idea that the winner of an abstract population of supposed All Stars should decide the fate of their respective league is preposterous. Especially since the game isn’t being managed to win. With the expansion of inter-league play, it is more than sufficient to say that the best record in the series garners home field advantage.
3) During this week my favorite player of all time Ozzie Smith played…..softball. Not only did he play softball. He played softball alongside b-list celebrities? Now my last memory of the Wizard is of him grayed up playing softball against some Selena Gomez wanna be.
The Open Championship sucks because:
1) I have to wake up early to watch it. Much like the Olympics, Wimbledon, the Tour de France and the North Korean 100 days of games I can’t stand having to wake up before noon to watch something. In fact I don’t even like having to set my fantasy football lineup by 1pm during NFL season.
2) The courses are boring as hell. Anyone with a weed-whacker could develop an Open Championship course. All you need is a piece of worthless beach that no one could swim on and a piece of untenable land that no farmer would dare cultivate and you have an Open Championship golf course.
3) I hate the fact that I have to call it the “Open Championship” It’s the frogging British! Get over yourself and call it like it is. This even is not the greatest even in all of golf. By omitting the word British you mean to imply that you are better that everything and everyone else? Screw that noise. The Masters will forever be the greatest test of golf. That’s it. The end. No discussion.
4) I hate having to watch these clowns wear long sleeves and rain jackets in July. It’s supposed to be summer.
Come back tomorrow for Cookie’s Corner.