Angry Ward Wednesday: Twins, Tony Romo, Hudson and Other Sports Cure-Alls

Angry Ward sleeping on a soft couch.
Angry Ward summer nappy.

NEW YORK, NY – Is it Wednesday already? Ya gotta be kidding me! This rain and humidity has brought things to such a screeching, soaking, sweaty standstill that I hadn’t noticed. What I do know is that yesterday was Cheesy Bruin’s birthday (as he puts it, every day he wakes up is his birthday) and tomorrow is July 4th and I have yet to declare my independence. I need something to pull me out of this funk, and there’s nary a drop of liquid comedy in the house. (Yup, just checked again.) Let’s face it, if you are contributing to this site in any capacity and not a full-blown alcoholic, you really do have a problem. Anyway, the same way a Dark n’ Stormy can get me off the schneid, athletes and teams have a variety of cure-alls at their disposal when things aren’t going well. Let’s take a look at a few.

Pissed at “Non-Jew” Carew.

Minnesota Twins. Nothing peps the New York Yankees up like the Minnesota Twins. Prior to this week’s visit to Minnesota, the Bronx Bombers were experiencing the baseball equivalent of projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea. They were just swept in Baltimore by a team that also used to hold a prominent place in their medicine cabinet. On top of this they were mired in a five-game losing skid and well on their way to the AL East junk heap, 6.5 games back, in fourth place, just a game and a half ahead of bottom-feeder, Toronto. All of that changed Monday night as the Yanks lit up Minny 10-4. The Land of 10,000 Lakes is like Lourdes to the Pinstripe-afflicted. Not only does Minnesota lose every single playoff series they play against the Yankees, they barely win a game. The Twins couldn’t beat the Yanks with Harmon Killebrew or Rod Carew (who now admits he never became a Jew), and they show no signs of starting with Mauer and Morneau.

Tony Romo. If an NFL losing streak is like a sexual drought, then Tony Romo is human roofie for the New York Football Giants. The Jints can enter a must-win Monday Night matchup against the Boys looking dead in the water after dropping two straight to the likes of Cleveland and Arizona, but the minute Tony Romo takes the field the G-Men instantly turn into a bunch of marauding Huns. He has this effect against other teams as well, but it always seems magnified against New York. Let’s face it, Tom Coughlin’s head would have exploded years ago if not for Romo, and with Tony locked up in the Lonestar State for the foreseeable future, there’s probably another championship in the Giants future.

Kate Hudson. We’ve covered this dozens of times… so once more won’t kill you. Alex Rodriguez never so much as sniffed and World Series title until Kate Hudson took pity on him. Voila! Rodriguez has a great playoffs and Yankees win the 2009 Series. Then he dumps her. How’s that worked out for him? Come to think of it, how’s Lance Armstrong been doing since he and Hudson split? If she’s truly as magical as she seems, she could make a winner out of Carmelo Anthony. Though Tony Romo is still probably unfixable.

Lori Levine & The Public Professor tanning For MTM Thong hockey
Lori & The Public Professor

Lori Levine and Cookie. Speaking of magical ladies, I happened across an ad in the paper today that read thusly: “Become the first Meadowlands Racetrack Ms. Hot to Trot. $5,000 Grand Prize, $2,500 Runner Up Prize. Semifinals: Friday, July 19. Finals: Saturday, July 20.” This one just screams for Lori and Cookie’s participation. In fact, if one of our two gorgeous scribes can take home the crown, it might be just the thing to finally bring some much-needed notoriety to this site. What do you say, girls?

OK, I am certainly not helping the cause with this column so be sure to come back tomorrow for a Special Columnist

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About Angry Ward 755 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.