ST. LOUIS, MO – I said it before and I will say it again: The NL Central will put three teams into the playoffs this year. Yet, as per the norm, I expect most of you east coast heathens to malign my postulations as being nothing more than pure hyperbole. To you lambastards (lambaste + bastard) I say: “Wake up and smell the Andrew McCutchen!”
The Pirates haven’t been this good since Barry Bonds was known for 40 steals a season… as opposed to 40 syringes and lawsuits. Much to my chagrin, they even passed my beloved Redbirds in the tables this week (beat them again last night), gaining first place for the first time since Lee Tunnell had tunnel vision through his coke bottles on the mound. In that vein, I have another bold prediction; one that no one in the MTM House of Commons is going to respect: The Pirates Will Win World Series in 2013. Here is why:
Pitching Wins Championships: As of now the Pirates rank first in MLB in all of the following: ERA, WHIP, BAA. Furthermore they are doing so while playing a schedule with two of the most dynamic offices in baseball in their division. If their staff called the NL East home the race would already be over.
Iron City Light: Anyone whose fan base can consume this malted monstrosity and be satisfied must be crazy. I for one think that come October the greatest home field advantage will be in Pittsburgh. In fact half the stadium will likely be confused Steelers fans thinking they are walking to Heinz and instead stop at PNC due to a drunken stupor.
A.J. Burnett: Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman. And if you are A.J. Burnett, you are the girl that everyone said was good from far but far from good. Anytime somebody got close to you they realized that you were single for a reason. Now, in a city where I.C. Light makes everything look good, he has found a home and you bet he is ready to do some damage to all of his exes in the playoffs.
Dusty Baker: When in doubt anyone who has any playoff aspirations is well served having this douche nozzle on the other end of the race. Dusty Baker is the worst manager in the history of baseball. He couldn’t win with Bonds, he couldn’t win with Sosa, he can’t win with Votto. Dusty Baker has managed more talent than Scott Boras and he simply can’t win in the playoffs. The talent gets him there and then he has to make a decision and it’s like he is Jo-Jo The Idiot Circus Boy killing his own sale. If it comes down to the Reds or the Pirates getting in the Reds will choke. If it’s the Pirates vs the Reds in a one game playoff the Reds will look like short season rookies just trying to get their first look at a snatch in south beach.
Schedule: the Pirates get to beat up on the Padres seven times, Cubs seven times, Rockies six times and the Brewers six times.
The Pirates Will Win World Series.
Stay tuned for Cookie to talk about a Yankees team that will have a losing record come September.