Halloween Horrors: Scariest Faces in Baseball Start in Boston

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Boston Red Sox win thanks to P-E-D-s

BOSTON, MA – As a die-hard St. Louis fan, there is nothing more unsettling this morning than any face associated with the Boston Red Sox, their fans or their city. Yet, my MTM contract calls for a column and we’ve fortunately got the perfect, dark holiday for Missourians in Misery to focus on. See, over the course of time holiday after holiday has been created to honor ends of wars founding countries, ending countries, remembering births and deaths of martyrs, myths and religious icons. Today, I’m using Halloween as a means of forgetting the Halloween Horrors that took place in Fenway Park and will continue on Yawkey Way today. But I know must talk baseball. With that, here’s… The Scariest Faces in Baseball Start in Boston

Some curse, Babe.

But first, some history. Halloween is an abbreviation for “All Hallows Eve.”  “All hallows” referring to All Saints Day, which is an annual Christian celebration celebrating the ascension of lost family members into heaven throughout the course of the previous year.  Halloween was originally a pagan ritual preceding this holy day, wherein the intention was to scare the dark spirits into staying away – so that the good spirits could ascend the following morning… It had nothing to do with The Curse of The Bambino.

red_sox_girl slutHowever, that was the definition up until approximately 1999.  The definition of Halloween now is “the one day a year in which all women age 15-45 can wear whatever they want and not be called a whore.”  I used to enjoy Halloween but this year I have chosen to stay home on account that I, Cam James, as of a couple weeks ago, am now…….Engaged.  No more modern Halloween for me.  That being said, its back to the scary definition with the scariest players in MLB history.

Al Hrabosky – my favorite on this list.  The Mad Hungarian embodies what baseball used to be and unfortunately, isn’t anymore.  As nuts as Hrabosky is, a willingness to pitch inside and challenge opponents mentally and emotionally and leave them crying is something long missed in the politically correct everyone gets a trophy society we live in today. But this Cardinals broadcaster might as well be insane; more so after last night.

Rod Beck – Show me one person that wants to tangle with this Dog the Bounty Hunter analog.  Rod Beck looks more like a

Ezequiel Astacio – Two words……Zap Zit. Ezequiel has a biblical name and evidently a biblical plague.

Willie McGee – Thirteen words…. Get Carlos Beltran to buy you a nose job like Jon Niese did.

Scariest Faces In Baseball Meet_The_Matts
Ezequiel, Willie, Greg, Ted

Jose Mesa – The only player to make the list with bad facial hair and Jheri curls.  This mans 1990 mug would make even Lionel Richie squeel.

stephen drew red sox wicked pussy Meet_The_Matts
Wicked Pussy to Wicked Scary. Only in Boston.

Greg Minton – I’m not sure if Greg looks more like The Unabomber or someone from the movie Deliverance.  Either way, he looks like a guy that you would likely meet in a truck stop stall 30 miles from anywhere. Minton has the whole package.  Glasses, Beatles mop-cut, and teeth that would make even a Chinese dentist cringe.

David Wells – You don’t get the nickname “Walrus” without good cause.

Stephen Drew – The skinny prick ruined my night, my week and my season… scariest thing under 150 pounds i have ever seen.

Come back tomorrow for a warm and welcoming face… and Different Matt.

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About Cam James 128 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.