Angry Ward Wednesday: Tis the Season to Watch Movies and Talk Sports

Shitter was full.
Angry Ward at The Conclave
Watch Movies and Talk Sports

NEW YORK, NY – As I sit here writing this on a postcard picture perfect Autumn day, I am all of a sudden hyper-aware that the holiday season is upon us. Thanksgiving will be here before you know it (Go Detroit Lions!) and then it’s Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, The Bacon Feast of Yim… whatever your winter faith dictates. For me, this time of year also means watching lots of seasonal-themed movies. There are so many good ones, with memorable dialogue to spare. What does this all have to do with sports? Beats me, but we’ll try to make it work.

“Those aren’t pillows!” One of many memorable scenes in Thanksgiving classic, Planes, Trains, & Automobiles. John Candy’s traveling shower curtain ring salesman Del Griffith finds his other hand in a highly compromising position on ad man Neal Page’s person. How do you get past such an awkward moment? Talk about the Bears, of course. Hey, speaking of pillows, congratulations to Pamela Anderson for finishing her first New York Marathon this past Sunday. Pam’s pillows finished the race in 5 hours 41 minutes, the rest of Pam finished seconds later.

Next year she does the entire run in slow motion in a red one piece.
Next year she does the entire run in slow motion in a red one piece.

“You have the touch of a love-starved cobra.” This one’s courtesy of larger-than-life critic Sheridan Whiteside in The Man Who Came to Dinner. If you’ve never seen it, do. You know who else has lousy touch? Josh Freeman. The Vikings signed him for three million bucks, he played one game against the Giants, and he threw every other pass five feet over his receivers’ heads.

“Fra-gee-lay. Must be Italian” “I think that says fragile, honey.” Honestly, you could do an entire column featuring quotes from A Christmas Story. It’s nice that the Patriots hung 55 on the Steelers this past Sunday but enjoy it while you can, Tom Brady, because your two top receivers, Rob Gronkowski and Danny Amendola are extremely fra-gee-lay.

He’s probably just nosing through trash.” Cousin Eddie’s matter-of-fact response to Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation when asked why his dog Snots is under the dinner table yakking on a bone. I think our own Fake Sandy Alderson would agree that “nosing through the trash” best describes the approach the real Sandy Alderson will take this winter when it comes to finding new players for the Mets.

Shitter was full.
Shitter was full.

“I don’t wanna badmouth the kid, but he’s a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse. And I say that with all due respect.” You couldn’t find a better character description for suspended Miami Dolphins Offensive Lineman Richie Incognito than this line from Woody Allen’s Broadway Danny Rose (another underrated Thanksgiving film). When you’re able to bully a 6′ 5″ 312-lb teammate, you have to be a tool of epic proportions.

“You know what I’m going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.” Anyone who has ever had to deal with Short Matt can appreciate this line from Kevin Spacey in the caustic Christmas flick The Ref.

“It ain’t cool bein’ no Jive Turkey so close to Thanksgiving.” Knicks owner James Dolan is no Billy Ray Valentine when it comes to talking jive but he certainly is a turkey. His team is riding a whopping two-game losing streak and Jimmy is apparently on the warpath. The jobs of coach Mike Woodson, GM Steve Mills, and, yes, the Knicks City Dancers, are so insecure that any of them would be happy Trading Places with personnel in Sacramento.

That’s all for this week. Come back tomorrow for Cam James.

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About Angry Ward 743 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.