LONDON, ENGLAND – Is it fair for us to judge the off-field exploits of a professional athlete? Every serving of celebrity comes with a side of execution-style journalism. Every cell phone camera is equipped with a send button that promulgates boneheaded antics to the entire universe! We grew up in a society where TOP TEN lists are rolled out for… Every. Friggin’. Thing. Top ten batters with 2 outs and runners in scoring position, top ten QB’s on third down in the fourth quarter, etc etc etc. So, in celebration of these lists, I present the Top Ten Stupid Athletes Off The Field List:
I’ll count down from ten, in an attempt to keep you interested… and feel free to call them The Dezzy’s, named after my Dallas Cowboy’s best and biggest Bonehead – Dez Bryant, whom many remember for clocking his mom in the grill.
10) Hope Solo: Not to be overshadowed by the US Men’s METEORIC rise in TV exposure, USA Women’s Soccer goalie, Solo, kicked some ass at a party. AGAIN. She kicks girls’ and guys’ butts, so she earns a spot on the list.
9) Marcel Dareus: The Buffalo Bills defensive tackle was sacked by the law for illegal street racing. At face value, that is NO BIG DEAL, right? Marcel, however, had some “controlled substance” and paraphernalia with him… Whoops.
8) Lorenzo Taliaferro: Talk about stupid, this guy just got drafted by the Baltimore Ravens. Lorenzo decided to smash a taxi cab window while intoxicated. I guess that symposium for rookies really sunk in for this genius. Let’s see if he proposes to the cabbie to get the chargers dropped.
7) Ryan Malone: “If you wanna hang out, their gonna buy you out, Cocaine…” The former Tampa Bay Lightning forward was arrested for DUI when he refused to take a breathalyzer test, which is actually state law. If you refuse, that’s automatically an arrest. He is now FREE to become an Islander after Tampa bought him out.
6) Dante Cunningham: The former Villanova star and current NBA free agent has graduated from carrying a loaded BB gun, to attempting to CHOKE OUT his former live-in girlfriend. To top it off, the ex-Timberwolf forward, texted some threatening loves notes to that same women… which got him arrested again.
5) Chris “Knuckles” Culliver: While this DB is being praised for his on-the-field upside, he definitely has displayed his off-the-field colors by trying to flee after hitting a bicyclist with his car. When witnesses tried to stop him from leaving the scene, this moron whipped out some brass knuckles and proceeded to leave the scene.
4) Deonte Thompson: Another Baltimore Raven making this list. It’s been one hell of an off-season for Harbaugh Brothers players. Deonte and his crew were driving in Gainesville, FL without headlights at night. Hmmm… Anyway, the police smelled a VERY pungent odor. After the search, they came away with 29 grams of marijuana. His friends are trying to take the hit for their “bud.”
3) Ray Rice: Yet another black eye for the Black Birds of Baltimore… Rice was caught on camera dragging his then girlfriend – now wife – from the elevator at the Revel Casino in AC. He buried this incident by marrying his little woman.
2) Aldon Smith: “Who’s got it Better Than us?” Well, I just don’t know. This guy is a train wreck . His talent on the field is phenomenal. The problem is he will be off the field as much as he is on, due to his substance abuse and obvious lack of working cerebral function. Most recently, Smith has made bomb threats at LAX. Remarkably, no charges are on the table (free tickets all around) at this time.
1) Josh Gordon: This year’s STAR of STUPID. Cleveland is Cursed. Just when it seems that ANY of their sports teams are making strides to, at least be respectable, they soil the bed! Josh had a breakout season despite the QB carousel last year, but his constant abuse of illegal substances will undoubtably test even the Browns’ patience. Since he is not costing them much money (825k base), they may decide to see if there is some chance he wises up… I doubt it cause… YOU JUST CAN’T FIX STUPID!
Tomorrow, Angry Ward recounts his trip to Coney Island for Seinfeld Night with the Brooklyn Cyclones.