CHOPPED KITCHEN – Hello everybody, I’m Ted Allen your host of Chopped and we’ve got another exciting competition in store for you today. Last week we saw Bo Porter of the Astros get chopped to become the first casualty of the season. With baseball winding down and the NFL off to a disappointing season in many places, we have many new competitors, though it’s never to early for football coaches to get into the mix too. So without further ado, let’s bring out our managers.
Kirk Gibson… In your mystery box you had: Arugula, an injury riddled pitching staff, sweeetbreads, your one stud player lost for the season by August, and a recently hired Tony LaRussa now overseeing things.
Judge Aaron Sanchez: I appreciate the heat you added to this dish, but you stayed too much in your comfort zone by having your pitchers just plunk the opposing hitters all the time. That and the fact that Tony LaRussa was brought in for a reason, I’m afraid we had to chop you.
Gibson: This isn’t my fault! Do you even know what sweetbreads are? They’re like duck thyroids! They’re disgusting!
Terry Collins… In your mystery box you had: Sea cucumbers, Tommy John stitches, a disgruntled fan base, and haggis.
Judge Alex Guarnischelli: Terry, when you first came on the show you were all fiery and passionate, but these last few challenges you seem to just be going through the motions. For that reason, and because my haggis was raw in the middle, we could’ve chopped you, but your punishment will be to come back and manage this team for a fifth season next year.
Terry Collins: Oh god, please chop me and end this already!
Walt Weiss…in your mystery basket you had the worst road record in baseball, rocky mountain oysters, 100 losses, black licorice, and an injured, disgruntled star shortstop who would look good in pinstripes next year.
Judge Jeffery Zacharias: Walter, I run a number of restaurants all over the country. I just thought I’d say that, wondering why you would want to serve me an incomplete plate. You were supposed to lose 100 games but have actually been winning lately. On the other hand, the rocky mountain oysters are cooked perfectly. You move on.
Tom Coughlin…in your mystery box you had: well aged steak, burrata cheese, heirloom tomatoes, and curdled milk.
Judge Maneet Chauhan: Tom your plate looks delicious, but the curdled milk really ruins it. For that reason you’re chopped.
Tom Coughlin: Hey we won yesterday…eh, you’re right.
Gus Bradley… In your mystery box you had: shad roe sack, durian, Limburger cheese, and the pervasive smell of the city of Jacksonville.
Judge Chris Santos: Coach, I’ve never even heard of you before this, but I really like the way you went to the pantry to add Blake Bortles to the plate at the last minute there. For that, you’re not on the chopping block for another week.
Commissioner Roger Goodell… In your mystery basket you had suppressed information on the dangers of concussions despite an epidemic of deranged and suicidal ex-players, suppressed information about domestic violence from a number of prominent current players, a confusing drug policy, a franchise clinging to a racist name, and chocolate covered crickets.
Judge Amanda Frietag: Commissioner, I listen to this plate, and all I hear are the crickets. For that reason, we had to cho… Commissioner? Commissioner? Where’d he go?
Look for a man that does his own chopping every Tuesday, Walter “Grinding Ax” Hynes, tomorrow.