Angry Ward Wednesday: A Hater’s Guide to the Super Bowl

BRONX, NY – I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can’t stand the dead week between the NFL’s conference championship games and the Super Bowl. It’s fairly pointless. An unnecessary chunk of days and time spent cranking out inane stories on everything from Rob Gronkowski’s mom’s recipe for pierogi to a hard-hitting interview with Pete Carroll’s dog walker. We’d be better off just getting everyone to Arizona already so that we can get that first player arrest for attempted murder or soliciting a transvestite prostitute out of the way and play the game. But then, does anyone outside of Boston and Seattle care all that much about this game? I mean, aren’t we all a little tired of these two teams? I know I am. In fact, let’s take a moment to run down a whole mess of reasons why you shouldn’t be looking forward to Super Sunday.

Let it Go, already. Idina Menzel is singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. Didn’t we reach Idina Menzel saturation point months ago. Never has one person gotten so much mileage out of one song in a Disney movie. Then John Legend is singing America the Beautiful. But why? Why do we need both songs? Why not just make America the Beautiful the national anthem and only ever play Ray Charles’ rendition and be done with it. Then Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz are playing at halftime. Wait a minute, Lenny Kravitz? Really? Think I’d rather see Up with People.

Two and Nine. These are the numbers you are gonna get in that $1,000 a box Super Bowl pool you entered. Sorry. Next time spend your dough on something you can use, like a decent pair of shoes. Who dresses you anyway?

The New England Patriots. Their coach is a cheater, their quarterback is a pretty-boy, their running game is anchored by a guy who has behavioral issues at best and possibly a future jailbird at worst, many of their fans reside in Boston, which means that most of them are probably racists. Did I mention that their coach is a cheater? Their most electric receiver is their tight end. Their coach is a cheater who¬†likes to run up the score. Their quarterback is married to a supermodel and wears Uggs. New England sounds too connected to jolly “Old England” whose ass we kicked to found this country. To a man, they prefer deflated balls. Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

The Seattle Seahawks. It rains all the time in Seattle, and people that live in Seattle have no problem with this. In fact, they want it to rain. They walk around in a goofy haze day after day whistling rain songs like B.J. ThomasRaindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head and It’s Raining Again, by Supertramp. Pete Carroll is a smarmy jerk who needs to be swept away by an epic Seattle rainstorm. Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson divorced his wife soon after hitting the big time. A whole bunch of Seattle fans (their vaunted 12th man) walked out of the NFC Championship game assuming their team had lost then probably later told their friends that they stayed for the whole thing. Marshawn Lynch is like Lagarrette Blount on angel dust. The Seahawks won last year’s Super Bowl, which was one of the worst Super Bowls ever. Their most electric receiver is no one. Their best QB last week was their placeholder.

Note JG Clancy as the male dancer in this one:

Commercials. Some men and women who absolutely hate football will stick around and watch the Super Bowl strictly for the commercials. That is just idiotic. Can’t you find something better to do with your time? Go out and shoplift or something. People are distracted. Have fun. Don’t sit in front of a TV waiting for commercials.

Roger Goodell. The NFL commish is about as likable as a scorpion. It’s like God said, let me take the worst attributes of Bill Belichick and Pete Carroll, stuff them into a suit and tie and put a face on this thing that constantly looks like it just ate a prune and vinegar pie. That’s Roger Goodell, and he’ll be handing the Lombardi trophy to one of these insufferable coaches. It’s like hell on Earth. I won’t watch it.

But please don’t let any of this get in the way of your enjoyment of the game. Tune in tomorrow for a guy that makes me look like an eternal optimist, Fake Sandy Alderson.

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About Angry Ward 737 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.