BRONX, NY – There’s no way to sugarcoat this, so I’m just gonna say it. WE ARE AT THE END OF DAYS, people. American Pharoah won the Triple Crown for the first time in forever, the Warriors and the Cavaliers (two sadsack franchises from way back) are battling for the NBA title, and Short Matt is getting married. It’s frogging over! You can stop paying your rent, going to the gym, and worrying about sending that moron kid of yours to the Huntington Learning Center. It’s time to eat double-cheeseburgers for breakfast and brush your teeth with a Snickers bar. We’re done for, kaput, going out of business… permanently. Still not convinced? Look no further than what’s going on in baseball.
The current major league baseball season has been absolutely preposterous. Let’s start with the obvious. The New York Yankees, a team that many (myself among them) predicted to be nothing more than a bloated Harlem River corpse, are arguably the best team in baseball right now. How is this possible? They have an aging lineup anchored by universally-despised Alex Rodriguez. Mark Teixeira, a guy whose career was supposed to be over, has 17 home runs. Their second baseman and shortstop are hitting .168 and .238 respectively. Their third baseman has 13 errors already. There’s only one guy on the team hitting close to .300, and he’s on the DL! This team should absolutely suck! Instead they are in first place in a division in which they were universally predicted to finish last. It makes zero sense, as things often do when things are about to cease to exist. But that’s not all.
The Minnesota Twins (as of this writing) are atop the AL Central. The Twins ended 2014 with a 70-92 record and finished 20 games out of first. The Houston Astros are leading the AL West. The ‘Stros finished 2014 with a 70-92 record, 28 games out of first. In second place in the AL West are the Rangers, who finished with 95 losses and 31 games back. The NL East leaders are the Mets, a team that would struggle to score runs against the Harlem Shaskys. Their ace is Bartolo Colon! I could spend the next 1000 words outlining all of the Mets’ problems, but let’s move on. The Cardinals are running away with the NL Central, but everyone knows that the Cardinals are the Devil, so this is to be expected. Finally, the Dodgers and Giants are duking it out on the NL West, but both clubs have been mediocre at best.
But don’t despair, there are silver linings to be found in the end of the world as we know it, especially in baseball. For starters, the Mariners won’t have to honor the rest of Robinson Cano’s contract, because there won’t be any more baseball. And if current trends hold, this is a year when a completely scrubby team can sneak up and steal the World Series… I’m looking at you Yankees and Mets. I’m serious. The way things are going it is not at all far-fetched to think that one of the New York teams can win the final Fall Classic. Of course they will each have to claw their way through the rest of the desperate dregs on Fury Road. It will be worth it though, and one hell of a show. Because when all is said and done, the only things left on this pathetic burned-out planet of ours will be the roaches, some prehistoric-looking rats, and probably the Chicago Cubs.
Come back tomorrow for a man who still has valid restraining orders against him from both Jennifer Lawrence and Vicki Lawrence… But all bets are off now.