BRONX, NY – So much going on in the world of sports this week, but I find the internet and local newspapers have been a little bland in their coverage. We need some good old-fashioned sensationalism! We need some eye-popping headlines! I’ll tell you what we really need! We need the late, great tabloid, The Weekly World News. This was the delightful rag that gave us stories about Bat Boy, Redneck Vampires, and the wonderfully obese Baby Jin as well as headlines like, I Was Bigfoot’s Love Slave and Heaven Photographed by Hubble Telescope. Yes indeed, only the Weekly World News can do this week’s sports news justice. Let’s go!
Tom Brady Ate My Balls! After the Denver Broncos beat the New England Patriots this past Sunday and tossed quarterback Tom Brady around like a rag doll, one Broncos defender had the following to say about his particular approach to rattling Brady: “I tried to lay on him a few times. I tried to rub my nuts in his face.” A positively delightful account. Sounds like dialogue from an episode of Masterpiece Theater. Tommy Boy is probably still experiencing a Cocky Mountain High.
Equipment Elf Crushes Basketball Giant. LA Clippers’ Dunkenstein Monster Blake Griffin is on the shelf for four to six weeks after breaking his hand on the cranium of one-time friend and team assistant equipment manager in a Toronto restaurant. Griffin said he was just trying to get the waiter’s attention to bring the check by throwing a low level employee at him. The Clip Joint is playing better without Big Blake, so if said assistant equipment manager doesn’t get fired he might just get a promotion. He might also catch on with the Broncos who have plenty of equipment to manage.
Hillbilly Racist Moron Endorses Privileged Racist Idiot. It’s official, Donald Trump has John Rocker’s vote, assuming that the former Atlanta Braves reliever is in fact registered to vote, knows how to vote, and can find his way to his local polling place. Said Rocker of Trump: “I think he has really woken America up.” If that’s the case, then we need a whole hell of a lot of ambien. A Trump/Rocker ticket would all but lock up the all-important KKK and CHUD demographics. Onward, you maverick imbeciles!
Papa John Married Peyton in Secret Ceremony. After beating the Patriots Sunday, Peyton Manning apparently whispered in Bill Belichick’s ear, “This might be my last rodeo.” ESPN’s Adam Schefter immediately jumped on the story and revealed that those words were in fact code for a wedding invitation between Manning and Papa John Schnatter at David Geffen’s handsomely-appointed Aspen Ski Chalet. The hush-hush nuptials took place in two-minute offense time and concluded with both men exchanging garlic knots, yelling “Omaha!,” and stepping on a giant chocolate chip cookie. Guests in attendance choked down Papa John’s pizza, drank Coors Light, and later threw up everywhere.
Rescue Dog Adopts Lost Cause Human. In the first case of it’s kind, since Mr. Peabody adopted Sherman, a New York dog has taken in our own Short Matt in what many are calling “the ultimate act of charity.” Shasky McDush now shoulders the responsibility of looking after the feral and fragile Short One while his wife is away. Good luck with all of that.
Okay, that’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for some slick stuff from Grinding Ax Walter Hynes.