WATERLOO, IA – With the Iowa Caucus mercifully behind us, whose name could be better to invoke this morning than that of Gordon Gekko, er, uh..I mean Peyton Manning? Me and the crack “I-Team” at MeettheMatts.com uncovered what they believed was a private conversation. For our investigators’ entire budget of 3 dollars, Papa Johns founder and Tea-bagger John Schnatter met with our I-team in an Iowa parking garage last week to deliver the recorded conversation below – he requested that he be referred to only as “Deep Dish.”
Bernie Sanders: How much is enough, Peyton? When does it all end, huh? How many yachts can you water-ski behind? How much is enough, huh? “It’s not a question of enough, pal. It’s a Zero Sum game – somebody wins, somebody loses. The richest one percent of this country owns half our country’s wealth-five trillion dollars. One third of that comes from shameless product endorsements, two thirds comes from inheritance, interest on interest accumulating to widows and idiot sons – and what I do, weakly throwing a football and selling out to the highest-well actually-any bidder.”
So fresh off a “Bernie” Hangover this morning, how appropriate it is that one of the two remaining Quarterbacks be none other than Gordon Gekko himself – wow, did it again. Sorry. You may know him as Peyton Manning. And when he’s barking signals with his trademark, “Omaha!” take note he’s doing his work for Omaha Steaks.
-Yes, Manning has lost a mile or two off his fastball the past couple of seasons. And given that next Sunday’s Super Bowl will likely be his last career game, it’s a nice story that Peyton has at least a chance to go out on top and equal his little brother’s two Super Bowl championships. But before he goes, rest assured that Archie’s boy will have reached for, clawed, scratched, eye-gouged his way to grabbing every last penny available to him.
The sun rises in the East, and Peyton Manning will endorse ANYTHING for a couple of bucks. These are life’s certainties. Manning is one greedy SOB. I’ve often wondered…has there EVER been ANY product or service that Peyton would NOT endorse?
In 2012, Manning signed a deal with the Denver Broncos worth $96M over 5 years-$58M of it fully guaranteed! That was after having already earned over $175M in his career while a member of the Colts! That’s Roger Goodell money, and for his career, Peyton has earned a total of more than $100M MORE than 4 time Super Bowl Champ Tom Brady, according to Spotrac.com
That hasn’t stopped Manning from saying “yep-I’ll do it” every time he’s offered an endorsement deal. He pulled in roughly $14M for being pitchman for every product in America last year alone. Or any place else. His product affiliations are numerous. His ubiquitous “Papa John” commercials, his loop of “Nationwide” spots are too much to bear. And that’s just the tip of the Manning iceberg. (Incidentally, this column is being brought to you by Peyton’s official lettuce growers-the Iceberg Lettuce Growers of South Denver)
I’m not suggesting that he hasn’t been a great QB for a long time and a worthy entrant to the Pro Football Hall of Fame once he’s eligible. Peyton truly has been a joy to watch on the field. Do we need to see so much of him off the field too?
I know that Chicken Parm tastes so good, but maybe just for better “optics” you could cut back a tad with your shameless money grabbing. Good luck on Sunday, Gordon. Dammit!
Come back tomorrow for a man that endorses nothing, Angry Ward.