WESTEROS, NORTH OF THE WALL: I was getting primed for the season premier of Game of Thrones on Sunday afternoon and I caught the memorable The Door episode from last season. Hodor’s tragic sacrifice gets me every damn time. I wiped off a few tears and then toggled over to the Yankees Red Sox. Aaron Judge was up and I thought to myself, “I’ll bet that guy could hold a god damned door.” An idea was born. We’re going full nerd today, with GoT Characters in the Sports World. Spoilers Ahead.
Arya Stark/Golden State Warriors
After watching her Dad lose his head and then just missing her brother and Mum get sliced up at the Red Wedding, Arya is hell bent on revenge. She spent a summer at the Braavos Sleepaway Camp for Assassins, and is ready for action. She’s going Charles Bronson across Westeros, wiping out House Frey and dropping some Schwarzennegger-esque parting shots. “Remember Walder when I promised to kill you last? I lied.” The North remembers. So does Pepperidge Farm.
After blowing a record breaking 73-win season and a 3-1 finals lead faster than you can say, “that’s nuts, Draymond,” the Warriors brought in the sellsword Kevin Durant and chopped their way through the playoffs. House Lebron was no match and the Warriors got their vengeance.
Jon Snow/Kevin Shattenkirk
Many think Jon Snow is the Prince who was Promised, Azor Ahai. In GoT lore, he is The One who will save the day from the White Walkers. Jon’s been through a lot though, including being stabbed to death (temporarily) by his own men, Tormund Giantsbane making fun of his junk, and now dear sister-cousin Sansa is openly questioning his decisions. He has a lot to overcome.
Kevin Shattenkirk was brought in to save the Rangers, and King Henrik from finishing his career cup-less. Lundqvist was inconsistent last year in fighting through some injuries. Some inpatient Rangers fans treated him like King Joffrey instead of the greatest player in the team’s history.
Jamie Lannister/David Wright
The Kingslayer was once one of the finest swordsman in Westeros. But after his hand was chopped off, he’s a shell of his former self. He’s getting by on his name and past glory.
David Wright once looked like a potential HOFer, but injuries have crushed his once promising career. If he was only missing his right hand he’d probably have a chance to get back on the field sooner.
Samwell Tarly/Tim Hardaway Jr.
Sam is the disappointing son of a great lord and warrior. But somehow, he gets tons of screen time over way more interesting characters.
Tim Hardaway Jr. is likewise not nearly as good as his great father. But somehow, the Knicks decided to pay him $71 million over way more talented players.
Ser Bronn/Kevin Durant
Both will switch sides in a second for some gold.
Cersei Lannister/Scott Perry
Both are tasked with the impossible chore of picking up the pieces after a massive explosion. I’m not sure which is harder; holding the Iron Throne when surrounded by enemies or fixing the Knicks with James Dolan on your side.
Lady Brienne/Ereck Flowers
Both have tough tasks ahead protecting their wards, Lady Sansa and Eli Manning. Though both look formidable, neither has shown an aptitude for getting the job done to this point.
White Walkers/Jets
Though both have a few guys with potential (zombie giants, Jamal Adams), they are ramshackle groups of walking dead.
Littlefinger/Bill Belichick
The shadiest man in Westeros is Littlefinger, master manipulator and secret catalyst at the start of the story. He was responsible for Ned Stark losing his head is currently whispering in the ear of Ned’s daughter.
Belichick is the shadiest man in NFLeros, getting caught cheating more times than Tiger Woods at one of Littlefinger’s brothels. The man responsible for more “gates” than the Red Keep, he’s never found a rule he didn’t mind breaking.
I’d better stop before this gets any worse. Part II is coming next week, assuming I can think of something for the Mother of Dragons. Suggestions welcome. Come back for tomorrow for Angry Ward, whose columns are dark and full of terrors. Follow us on Twitter at @benwhit, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.
