BRONX, NY – No postmortem on the Vikings from me this week [insert your wild applause here]. I’m not gonna be talking about the Super Bowl either. Although I think I finally figured out a rooting interest for this horror show. Yep, I will be pulling hard (heh) for a crippling winter storm to dump and ungodly amount of snow on Minneapolis before, during, and after Super Sunday, delaying the game indefinitely and basically screwing up both teams, their horrid fan bases, the NFL, the networks, and just about everyone else. Sweet, sweet chaos! But then, you ask, what else is there to look forward to? Why, the 2018 Winter Olympics, of course. Here’s my comprehensive preview.
Everybody PyeongChang Chung Tonight. Given that these games will be played in South Korea, there should be record-breaking, gold-medal fornicating in the Olympic Village, as most athletes will rightly be fearing a horrible nuclear death.
Biathlon Controversy. Protests abound as the NRA outfits American Biathlon competitors with full-blown assault rifles and small-bore bump stocks. They’re “we need these in case we need to defend ourselves against wild animals” excuse will, predictably, pass muster with the IOC.
Ice Dancing with the Stars. Desperately wanting a piece of the Olympic audience they had a stranglehold on for years, ABC will launch a desperation Hail Mary with an incredibly ill-advised celebutard skating show, “Ice Dancing with the Stars.” The inaugural roster of contestants will include such luminaries as Vanilla Ice, Caitlyn Jenner, Tonya Harding, Stormy Daniels, and Ed Asner.
The U.S. Men’s Ice Hockey Team Will Bring Home the Gold. I base this on absolutely nothing. I just want to sound wildly patriotic, like those people who yell “Support Our Troops” yet don’t rightly know where those troops are deployed or for how long or what they’re even up to, and certainly don’t donate any time or money towards veteran causes. But, anyway, yes, a Gold Medal for US Men’s Hockey. God Bless America.
High Expectations. Potheads from around the globe will win every single snowboarding medal.
It Figures. Women everywhere will get even for months of nothing but football being watched in their households by tuning in to every last bit of figure skating these games have to offer. There will be no escaping it, and it will gain more traction than “Me Too” and “Time’s Up” combined, with it’s own hashtag #FigureItOut.
Even the Lugers Get Lucky Sometimes. I don’t have anything to say here. I just wanted to mention Luge and use that Tom Petty reference. Nailed it.
That’s all for this Wednesday. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is already looking forward to a Super Bowl that will be snowed out for days. Poor sap.
