Angry Ward Wednesday: Stinky Sports Movies to Help You Forget Our Stinkier World

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BRONX (IS BURNING), NY – You know, I kept saying that this summer in NYC could shape up very much like 1977, and we’ve already got the looting piece covered on our bingo cards. All we need now is a blackout (I think this is a slam dunk), the Yankees making a run (if baseball returns, this is no stretch), and a deranged serial killer who takes murder orders from a dog (has anyone seen Short Matt and Shasky lately?). Whatever the case, Cheesy Bruin is recovering nicely from his surgery. I’ll take any good news where I can get it. Since we’re all trapped in this current hellscape together, here’s a short list of some awful sports movies you might consider watching. They’re so sh1tty that they just may make you feel better about your current predicament. Oh, and I’ll follow each one with an alternate, and maybe more palatable, choice as well.

Stinky Sports Movies to Help You Forget Our Stinkier World

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Hockey. The only sane choice here is Most Valuable Primate. Look, I’ve never seen the movie, but I’m all-in on the idea of a chimp in full hockey gear. The promo photos alone are exquisite. Hockey fans will go bananas for this one. The lead looks like Brad Marchand’s far more handsome brother. The obvious choice: Slapshot. It’s not even close.

Baseball. There are so many baseball movies, which means there are many well-deserving lousy choices. Let’s not overthink this. Go with Brendan Fraser in The Scout. He truly looks like this film may have been the first time he ever held a baseball in his hand. Alternate choice: Bull Durham. People on this site and others like to trash this movie as not really being a baseball film, but I have to stick up for it. It’s got baseball and drinking and f–king and cursing and some pretty good music and beaning a mascot. What’s not to like? Eh, you know what? The original Bad News Bears is really the only choice here.

Fishing. It’s a little known fact that Meet The Matts started out as a site for avid anglers. Back then it was called Bait The Hooks. Anyway, fishing movies? Really? Go with Gone Fishin’ starring Joe Pesci and Danny Glover. I haven’t seen it, but I would definitely watch it for 24 hours straight to avoid any more of our current news cycle. The only real choice: Jaws. It’s not as scary as it once was, but this movie holds up.

Shasky plots his next canine caper and dares you to not look at his junk.

Football. I’m just going to go ahead and admit I like The Waterboy. There are worse crimes. Plus, any movie with Jerry Reed, you gotta give a shot. The better choice: The Longest Yard. NOT the Sandler remake. The original is great.

Basketball. I haven’t seen The Fish Who Saved Pittsburgh since it was on Wometco Home Theater back in the day. I remember it to be an absolute weird mess, which can be good. Dr. J, Meadowlark Lemon, Jonathan Winters, Flip Wilson? C’mon, that’s worth a watch. Off the bench choice: Another basketball flick from around the same time, Fast Break. Gabe “Mr. Kotter” Kaplan and Bernard King… I’ll leave it at that.

Look, I could go into golf and write a bad sentence or two about the abomination that is Caddyshack 2 and then write 1,000 words about how the original Caddyshack was amazing, but it’s been done. And I’m sure as hell not going to rattle off any more of my Master’s Thesis on the brilliance of the skiing epic, Hot Dog: The Movie. So, it ends here.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, whose favorite sports movie is Eddie starring Whoopi Goldberg.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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