Angry Ward: Ian Desmond Opts Out, Newton Goes New England and Carl Reiner Leaves Us Laughing

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BRONX, NY – Welcome to July, b!tches! How does it feel to be done with June and only have roughly two more months of summer to kill before we find out that football is officially cancelled and every state declares all narcotics legal? In the meantime, we are all still going through the motions with predictable, and sometimes wildly unpredictable, results. Let’s talk about some of this sh!t, shall we?

Ian Desmond. The latest athlete to opt out of playing in an upcoming season, Ian Desmond of the Colorado Rockies went about his announcement with a refreshingly introspective and somewhat heartbreaking post on Instagram. Three years into a 5-year $70 million deal with the Rockies, Desmond spoke of wanting to be with his family, but also of the bigger issues of the racial divide in this country and his desire to help bring Little League Baseball back to his hometown in Sarasota, Florida. I won’t pull any quotes from the piece and post them here. If you have the time, you should definitely take a few minutes and read it. Mr. Desmond already sounds like he’ll make one hell of a coach one day, at any level. Click this.

Newton in New England. Look, I’ve already said I don’t think the football season is gonna happen, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the NFL’s efforts to keep creating stories and headlines. The latest is Cam Newton signing a 1-year deal with Kraft Whackaboni and Cheats. Whether this comes off or not, I’m quite sure that the notoriously open-minded fans of Massachusetts and its surrounding areas can’t wait to forget about Tom Brady and embrace Newton into their welcoming Sam Adams-stained bosoms. Above all else, they’ll love his selflessness.

Fireworks. Not sure about the rest of you, but I’ve been getting an inordinate amount of weird news coming in over the transom these days. Whether it’s people I know getting sick or injured in freak accidents, the latest sh!tstorm from our serial killer Prez, “Son of Fred,” or ramped up abnormal behavior in public spaces, it’s getting weird out there folks. We are not yet into the dog days of summer and, even though most amusement parks are closed, we best buckle up.

RIP Carl Reiner. I couldn’t end this thing today without wishing a fond farewell to Carl Reiner, a comic genius who just died at the age of 98. From The 2000 Year Old Man with Mel Brooks to his work on the Sid Caesar and Dick Van Dyke shows to directing classic films like Where’s Poppa? and The Jerk, his credits and accomplishments are far too many to list here. He was born in the Bronx, served in World War II, and brought lots of laughter into this world. That’s really oversimplifying it, I know, but his legacy really speaks for itself. I’ll shut up now.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who has been sharing some laughs with Rasheed Wallace and Stephon Marbury over the recent New York Knicks hires of Leon Rose and World Wide Wes.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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