Angry Ward Wednesday: Save College Football, Keep La Russa Lucid, and Test Steve Cohen By Booking The Matts

BRONX, NY – So, what does everyone think about the recent site design update here? It’s subtle, and that has never been Management’s strong suit. I’ve heard at least one complaint that the font size seems smaller, which is problematic for MTM’s rapidly-aging and increasingly-blind demographic. The other thing I noticed, and its probably been here all along, is that you can book The Matts to show up at your game or special event. I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around all of the delicious opportunities booking The Matts presents. What a way to get even with your enemies! You can ruin virtually anything: bachelor parties, weddings, piano recitals, press conferences at Four Seasons Total Landscaping (actually, they may have made that one better)… the possibilities are endless. It would be like the Norm Macdonald/Artie Lange movie, Dirty Work. It’s 2020, and revenge for hire is a growth industry. I’m serious when I say, I think we’ve finally found a winning business model for this joint. Where can we send The Matts?

Colleges. With this weekend’s Alabama/LSU and Texas A&M/Tennessee college football games postponed, it’s no secret that college kids don’t give a damn about COVID. They want to party and hook up and maybe earn a degree in 5 to 7 years. Forget getting campus security or cops to break up parties, send The Matts. No one, and I mean no one, clears a room like these guys. A couple of bad Bobby Valentine impressions and some spirited rugby discussions and these college kids will quarantine faster than you can say Dabo Swinney, and start hitting the books like never before. Masks and Matts is how we beat this thing on the University level.

Tony La Russa’s Chauffeurs. The White Sox new/old skipper needs someone looking out for him. Everyone knows, “I’m a Hall of Famer baseball person” is the first thing every drunk says when they get pulled over by the cops. They don’t even need to issue a breathalyzer after that. Having The Matts as personal drivers not only assures no more DUIs for La Russa, it also gives law enforcement one or two guys to get their aggression out on for no good reason.

Steve Cohen’s Inaugural Mets Press Conference. We missed an opportunity here. Yesterday Steve Cohen pretty much said all the right things including this quote about making the Mets better and what it would mean to their fans, “I can make millions of people happy and what an incredible opportunity that is.” In short, he knocked it out of the park yesterday. But, what if The Matts were there? Would he have been able to keep his cool? Their antics are enough to make Tom Hanks want to body-slam Betty White. We like what we’re seeing and hearing from Mr. Cohen so far, but let’s see what happens the first time he runs across the bald duo in the blue and orange suits. To paraphrase Mike Tyson, “Everyone’s got a plan until they get hit… with the The Matts.”

OK, I’m done. Book it! Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who will make a strong case for the Yankees grounds crew dropping their “YMCA” dance for the Men Without Hats hit, “Safety Dance.”



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About Angry Ward 755 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.