COLUMBUS, OH – The 2020 #COVID craziness continues into 2021, as we all may have underestimated the impact of our young century now being old enough to drink. Heck, I thought yesterday was today, to the point I wrote a column, cursed the TV for only having one rugby match on and had Mrs Short Matt racing to see an apartment… but the appointment is actually for today. Add to that our man Grinding Ax Walt coming off a 6-days-of-fever battle with The Rona and ought ’21 looks to be even more fun of a ride than still-in the-rearview-mirror Pappy 2020. (That’s not a scotch). With that, we zoom in on today’s head-turning headlines: Trevor Who? Buckeyes v Bama, Bashing Yu Darvish.
TREVOR WHO?
Boy, Gang Green Nation (TM) must be feeling a bit better about themselves today. Maybe winning the odd football game won’t ensure franchise futility forever after all. But be careful what you wish for as it sure looks like having the #2 pick in the next NFL Draft could now be even more of a problem for Jets GM Joe Douglas, now that Justin “Six TD” Fields has everyone scratching their heads. Indeed, Trevor [Lawrence] Who? T-shirts (TM) are now being mass produced by the Chinese Matts in J-E-T-S colors. But is this now Ryan Leaf or Peyton Manning Part Deux? Fasten your seat-belts Ladies & Germs, the Jets may opt for a nose-dive yet again!
BUCKEYES vs ‘BAMA
It is a tad annoying that The Ohio State Football Team is in Super Bowl NCAA. (TM) Is their inclusion more ire-inducing than Lou Saban’s, though? Both are douche-chill invokers. These are two NFL Triple A farm teams going at but for one exception; none of these professionals are getting even a minor league paycheck. It’s horseshipth and if I Can See Your Voice is on, I will not watch one snatch snap.
BASHING YU DARVISH
The 34-yearold reconstructed ace, now of the devilishly good Padres, was “…shocked, but in a good way” by his being traded by the “We’ll Never Win Again” Cubs. He went on to say,
“…this is one of the best teams in baseball right now. I actually wanted to throw against the Padres last season, just to see how good I was. So I’m very happy to join a team that’s as strong as the Padres.”
All sounds good except for one thing – he may not have said any of it. See, after joining his 5th MLB team in 9 seasons and earning $109,148,148.00 – that’s 110 MILLION DOLLARS– Darvish is still using a f***ing interpreter. That is unacceptable. Completely. Wholly. Absolutely. Hey pal, you’ve earned generational wealth here in America over a decade while playing a game. Buck-up for some language lessons. Speak English, Yu Douche. Until you do, stop taking the FANS’ MONEY and… F Yu.
And that, friends, is all I have for you today. Come back tomorrow for Cheesy Bruin but feel free to weigh in below in the meantime.
