Angry Ward: Nets New Big Man, Yanks and Mets Disappearing, and Beer Bat to the Rescue!

BRONX, NY – As I write this, the Minnesota Wild try to steal another game from the Las Vegas Golden Knights, in a battle between two teams that need better nicknames, starting at 10. I won’t be staying up. Tonight another one of my teams, the Golden State Warriors, take on the LA Lakers in what will be a highly-watched NBA playoff play-in game. Again, I won’t be watching. I’d like to, even though my gut tells me the Lakers will win by 20+, but sleep has become an increasingly rare commodity, so I won’t bother. What a drag it is getting old.

So, what to write about? F**k it. Let’s just wing it!

Bill de Blasio is a 9-Foot Doofus. The outgoing Mayor of New York recently did a press conference decked out in New York Nets gear. As you might imagine, it did not go over well. Among the comments I saw: “The last thing you see before you’re priced out of your neighborhood.” (The Daily Show) and “Laugh all you want, but if Blake Griffin gets injured he’s playing 20 mins per game.” (Josh Tyrangiel) Those were kinda the NICE ones. My friend Susan also alerted me to the fact that he did another recent presser eating a Shake Shack burger. I, unfortunately, watched it. Now I’m not sure I can ever eat another Shake Shack burger. Can’t wait until he vacates so we can get an even worse Mayor.

Mets and Yanks Hunger Games. In New York baseball news, the Mets and Yankees are once again in a battle to see which club can still field a team that knows how to play baseball, or even stand upright. This season is playing out like a formulaic late ’70s-early ’80s horror flick. The Mets are in full Friday the 13th mode, with players just dropping out of sight and the “search party” (Kevin Pillar) spewing Heinz Ketchup out of his face, while the Yankees are half limping Dawn of Dead high-priced extras and half Andromeda Strain recipients. But still, come to New York this summer kids, we are open like a fire hydrant in late July and there are fun times to be had.

But wait, there is something good happening right now, and it’s in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, of all places.

Beer Bat Mitzvah! The Myrtle Beach Pelicans (a low A Cubs affiliate, at last check) are selling $1.00 beers in a plastic baseball bat. My God, look at this! It’s glorious! I don’t even particularly like tap beer anymore, but I would definitely go out of my way to get one of these damn things. The plastic bat/pilsner-glass-on-steroids is worth over a buck alone! Memorize this image, and think about it the next time you’re at a big league park about to shell out over 10 bucks for a lousy Bud Light. God save the minor leagues!

Okay, I’m done. I mentioned this in comments yesterday but, RIP Charles Grodin. You might not know him outside of maybe Midnight Run, but he was great in a whole bunch of movies including the original and brilliant The Heartbreak Kid and Heaven Can Wait, (sports movie!) to name just a couple.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, star of the upcoming motion picture Break Knick Ridge.

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About Angry Ward 743 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.