DENVER, CO – Today I come to this humble institution to ask for support for a man who has been wrongfully terminated. He is not a player. He is not a coach. He is not an executive. He is however an institution. Al Sobotka until this past week had been driving the Zamboni for the Detroit Red Wings for fifty-one years. FIFTY-ONE YEARS! Most contributors on this site have a job they wish they could quit but can’t. Al had a working man’s dream job for a lifetime and right in the throws of his twilight hours he was terminated. Why, might you ask?
For urinating… “publicly.”
Al has a prostate condition that makes him need to urinate frequently, which makes getting too the loo difficult at times. He had the need to go during off hours when he thought the arena was empty and let his stream flow in the same place the entire Red Wings franchise has gone…. down the drain. I am sure many of you on this site have ever growing prostates and might be able to commiserate with Mr. Sobotka.
In today’s world everyone seems to be offended by everything. Everything must be politically correct. So much so that an aging man can’t take a leak when he needs to do so. Whenever t!ts are out, no one cares. Whenever a minge is out, no one cares. It’s only when a shaft flies that there is a problem these days. It’s infuriating. Personally, I don’t like meat gazing, but it is a fact of life that occasionally a John Thomas will accidentally be viewed. That doesn’t mean that us men can’t be comfortable with our sexuality and our bodies. The first step to undoing stupidity like the “toxic masculinity” movement is to humanize Mr. Sobotka, Next we show the world what it means to be an average guy. Average guys pee where they want.
I have peed publicly in numerous scenarios and no one got hurt… both on and off the clock. I am sure many of you have as well. In fact, I am going to list off a few of my favorite pee scenarios and I welcome your pee stories in the comments and on twitter. We can start a new movement aimed at making men feel comfortable being men again. I call it #PeeToo.
Checking The Tire Pressure: I have driven nearly every major highway in this country from Salt Lake City east to Bangor, ME for a combination of business and pleasure. Sometimes the next rest stop is fifty miles away. When that happens, I pull over the car and pee on the front right tire. Hence “checking the tire pressure.” #PeeToo
Swinging the Flesh Wedge: Golf courses are notorious for not having enough latrines on the course. When I am on the fourth tee and the head is on six I will likely go into the woods and “swing the flesh wedge.” #PeeToo
Jellyfish Jellyfish Jellyfish: When I go to the beach I pee in the water. When caught I simply yell “Jellyfish, Jellyfish, Jellyfish! No one is going to tell you not to pee on yourself when you get stung by a jellyfish. #PeeToo.
Making Snow Cones: When I ski I pee. It just works that way given that I haven’t skied sober since high school. When you got to go on the mountain its time to “make snow cones.” #PeeToo
Steve Yzerman, the old balls are in your Kangaroo Kourt. Save Al Sobotka.
Hey, Peanut Gallery: Tell me the worst/best place you have peed publicly. #PeeToo.